


The poison people call love

by Blepbean



Series: Poisonous Love [1]
Category: CrankGameplays - Fandom, markiplier - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ethan is an introvert btw, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Love Hurts, M/M, Mark is an Asshole, Out of Character, Questioning, Religion, Sad, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Writing is weird asf at the start, and like mark is that one cool dude in high school, but gets better trust me its worthed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-03-04 09:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13362054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blepbean/pseuds/Blepbean
Summary: What happens when little 17 year old Ethan falls in love with Mark, the great all lovely Mark, with the poison people call love. Short answer:He hates itLots of things wrong with this:Ethan hates Mark, but he also loves him.Ethan knows he isn't good enough for himEthan hasn't come out to his parents, doesn't matter anyways because his parents are homophobicMark is straightHe's gayThey don't go togetherEthan hates himselfThe school he's in a religious oneThey simply don't go together





	1. Poison

**Author's Note:**

> HEYYY I NEED COFFEE AND ITS 5:30 AM I NEED SLEEP AND I SHOULDNT BE DOING THIS TO MY SELF BUT HEY IM HERE REEEE AND ALSO ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE REEEEEEE  
> ok that's done this is my new series! Really looking forward to it bc ill be trying to fix my writing style in this and it should be good! also the chapter llooks a bit weird so i apologize for that lol, anyway read  
> FEEDBACK, COMMENTS AND KUDOS ARE APPRECIATED!

The busy hallways were always annoying to Ethan, the constant noise, the number of people hanging around, the cool kids, the annoying kids, the traffic. It's slowly killing him, sighing as he closed his locker door there was someone that stood out from the crowd. Mark Fishbach, and he's in love with him.

Lots of things wrong with this:  
Ethan hates Mark, but he also loves him.  
Ethan knows he isn't good enough for him  
Ethan hasn't come out to his parents, doesn't matter anyway because his parents are homophobic  
Mark is straight  
He's gay  
They don't go together  
Ethan hates himself  
The school he's in a religious one  
They simply don't go together

See Ethan is infected by this poison that people call love, the chemical reaction that makes animals mate, natures way to screw you over. People say it's supposed to be great if you're poisoned by love, he doesn't think so. The matter of times that Ethan tried to stop his hormones from going nuts when he sees Mark, or that time when he hates everything Mark does, he's too perfect. And the little-broken vase he is they don't go together. Extroverts and Introverts don't mix, and he wants it to stay that way.  
Ethan sighing he grabbed his books for next period, ignoring Mark's actions to show off as the jocks leaned against the wall. He shuffled through the crowd as he held onto his books for dear life, the bell suddenly rang, Mark laughed and walked forwards. Bumping to Ethan the skin contact made Ethan's heart jump, but also made him hate Mark even more. He minded his own business by staring at the shoes on the floor as Mark laughed again, waving goodbye to his so-called 'friends' Suddenly tripping Ethan's books was scattered all over the floor, the jocks sneered they walked by, followed by Mark smiling at him, not a mean way or anything, just a gentle smile, before walking away. He felt eyes on his back as Ethan picked up his books to class, realizing how late he was going to be for the 1st period he quickened his pace. "I'm sorry I was late, the halls were crowded." Ethan apologized, standing in the doorway. "It's OK, now go quickly find a seat, we're about to talk about the new experiment." The blonde teacher replied, before returning her attention back to the class.

When Ethan sat down he didn't realize Mark was in the same class, just a couple centimeters, so close. Mark played with a pen, twirling it around his fingers, not paying attention that Ethan was sitting right beside him. He tuned out, the words becoming all but wind. Paying attention to the sounds of the pen, "You will need a lab partner, that partner is going to be with you for 5 weeks. So please choose carefully who you to work with." Ethan snapped out of his mental state when the words were said, sighing as he opened his folder. People suddenly whined, complaining, the whole room got noisy. But Mark didn't answer, he sat there, twirling the pen between fingers, Ethan suddenly realized he was staring and quickly looked away, his face flushed he looked away from Mark. "You Okay?" Mark finally said, tapping him on the shoulder. "Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just tired that's all," Ethan replied, hating Mark for this moment. "Hey, um listen," Mark said. 

"Do you, want to become lab partners?" Both of them said in unison, Ethan instantly wanted to die. Mark smiled once he turned around, looking down on the ground. At that moment Ethan hated and liked Mark, looking up he saw Mark, smiling? But there was something off about Mark, the way he smiled came out forced, fake. Still, Ethan didn't mind it. Smiling back Mark instantly kicked Ethan's chair, making him fall off and hit his head on the floor the whole class erupted with laughter. Ethan groaned in reply as he looked up to see Mark laughing. "Why do I want to work with a nerd like you," Mark said, before getting told to sit down. "Everyone quiets down, this period isn't over yet. Mark since you've done that to your little friend, you're now working with him for the rest of the year." The reply made everyone in the room silent, able to hear a pin drop. "WHAT!" Mark yelled before the bell suddenly rang. Ethan rubbed the back of his head, slowly standing up he felt dizzy before grabbing his books. The busy hallways once again proved a challenge, before feeling someone tap on his shoulder Ethan turned around. "You must be Ethan, I'm sorry about Mark... he's a good guy, just an asshole that's all." Said a voice, before Ethan turned around he was greeted with a tall student, with curly hair and a beanie on his head. "Hi, I'm Tyler, sorry about Mark." He said with a smile. 


	2. Sins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey im back, ohh and btw this chapter talks about the bible and some religion so if u dont like that then dont read this!  
> KUDOS, FEEDBACK AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED

His surroundings suddenly froze, the curly hair and his quick 5-minute outfit with just a grey jacket and a pair of jeans stood out of the crowd, Tyler is seriously friends with that asshole? Mark?  
Tyler looks kind and nice, not a nerd like him but rather an outgoing person. Ethan's eyes fluttered as he had to focus what just happened.  
"Why are you, friends with Mark? That asshole." Ethan said loudly, suddenly realizing what he just said out loud he walked past Ethan.  
"Wait..." Tyler muttered, suddenly holding Ethan's arm. He looked back at Tyler who was looking down on the ground as several people looked at them.  
"I apologize for Mark, he has a habit of doing that when he's hiding something," Tyler said. Letting go of Ethan he sighed. they both started walking.  
"Why are you friends with him? No offense but you look like a great guy. Why?" Ethan asked, making sure he was only curious he waited for an answer which felt like an eternity.  
"We've been friends for a long time," Tyler finally said." He wasn't like this at the start of high school, he was kind and naive, but something happened to him. I really didn't know what happen so I decided to stick around, he said he wasn't into sports and he was rather introverted back then. But now he's the popular kid that everyone wants to be friends with, who also happens to be on the football team." Tyler sighed, clutching his books to his chest. Ethan looked at him, he looks really out of place, Tyler looks too mature, too friendly. Someone called out to Tyler, who responded with a wave.  
"Mark's calling out to me for some reason, talk to me if you need anything," Tyler said. Before smiling at Ethan and walking in the other direction, looking at the Tyler leave he momentarily made eye contact with Mark from the other side of the hallway, before breaking eye contact and instantly leaving.

The rest of the day was rather quiet and uneventful, besides from a few weird glances from everyone which he grew a custom to. Opening his locker he lazily dumped his books and grabbed some random books he needed. The last two periods was something he dreaded, bible study. After all, this was a Christian school, Sighing as he closed it Ethan walked to the other direction. The truth is, he wasn't really religious, though his parents definitely were, he didn't think so himself. Walking into the room the school bell instantly rang, looking at the seat he always sits in he took a bible from the stack on the front table. The Bible felt rough itchy to his skin, possibly from the fact that its old, very old, Sitting down he looked around to only see a few people sitting down.  
Ethan noticed that the teacher who was taking them was a substitute, sighing as he realized he can slack off this lesson he took out a book. Suddenly a large group of people walked into the room, loudly talking of the people was Mark, his heart beat faster at the sight of Mark. But then stop himself as he realized what Mark did to him. Love can make you so blind.  
"You're late." Spat out the teacher, no one apologized to her except for one guy who gave a half-hearted apology as he sat down.  
"Alright we are starting, everyone read at the start of the old testament, we will discuss out opinions later on."  
Ethan sighed as he scribbled on his book, having the Bible in front of him he skimmed through the pages.  
"All right can I quickly talk about something to you people?" She said. Ethan didn't pay any attention to her.  
"There's a lot of controversy about homosexuals and if it's really Okay, now everyone has their opinion-"  
"Miss I think that Ethan shouldn't be allowed to be here because he's a faggot." Spat out a random girl, everyone erupted in laughter as the teacher tried to calm down the whole class down. Ethan flinched at those words, remembering the first year in high school how he had to do a dare where he kissed a guy. Now everyone's spreading that rumour ever since. Ethan hated everything, he wanted to get out of this room as soon as possible.  
_Faggot_  
_Who would want to talk to you? You're filthy_  
"What is a faggot doing here anyway?" Joked Mark, laughing and not looking at Ethan. Of course, the perfect Mark was making fun of him, the whole world was against him. He bit hard on his lips as he resisted the urge to walk out of the room  
"Everyone please pay attention, we need to get this done otherwise you will not go home."  
The laughter stopped as soon as he said those words, everyone was silent. The rest of the lesson was all a blur, with a few laughs and the occasional jokes. Ethan's mind killed him throughout the lesson, making him feel worthless. All he did was stare at his book as he felt everyone looking at him, _Judging him_.

Once the school bell rang Ethan sighed, quickly grabbing his books and leaving the room quickly. Until something tripped him in the hallway, his books fell to the ground. He looked up to see a bunch of people laughing, walking away from Ethan. He picked up his books and held it tightly reaching his locker he tossed his books inside and grabbed his bag.  
He just needed to go  
Ethan can't deal with this  
Not when everyone is judging him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i swear that Mark will realise his feelings for ethan later on, im sorry lol that i had to write him like an asshole, its all for the plot reeeeeee


	3. I need you right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey im back to fulfil your needs, this chapter is written weirdly cause it took to long for me to finish and also i stressed out but were finish were gucci  
> FEEDBACK, COMMENTS AND KUDOS ARE APPRECIATED!

The wind swept by Ethan, swirling the leaves in the ground. Glad that he was finally out of school grounds he sighed, putting his hands in hand in his pockets. He remembered those moments clearly. Mark laughing his ass off, the people who laughed, the temperature of the room, how he was so close to falling apart right then.  
_Mark... Mark_  
The name stuck around his head, reminding him of all the memories he had this week. How much of an asshole he is, how he can do everything flawlessly, how he just so damned perfect. And Ethan in love with him, he hates it, he hates everything Mark does right. Like he doesn't care at all.  
"Why are you so damned perfect" Ethan mumbled.  
"WHY?" Ethan yelled, suddenly surprised with anger he built up. Tears streaming down his face.  
_Mark_  
"I hate you... Mark."  
Ethan wiped his tears away, sobbing. 

After a few minutes, Ethan calmed his self down and kept walking. The cars sped by as the grey clouds loomed over the sky. It was such a perfect day, yet it wasn't  
"Hey," Ethan said, crouching down he picked up a daisy from the ground, the wind picked up again as the nearby trees danced.  
"It's been a while, and I miss you a lot." Putting down his bag to the side he sat at the soft grass, touching the stone cross.  
"Mom's been crying a lot, only working twice a week. While Dave, he's just being a lazy, alcoholic piece of shit." Ethan didn't realize tears from his eyes, wiping his tears away.  
"She's always praying, praying for you to come back. But praying isn't going to do anything, nothing will bring you back, Dad. And I wish you were here right now, and I'm scared. I want you back, I don't want Dave, I want you. I didn't realize what was happening back then, all those words meant nothing to me and-"  
Ethan broke down crying, accidentally breaking the flower he held.  
"I want to give up, I want to just... _Let go_... for everything to just stop. But you said to me to hold on, you've never cried. You always smile."  
Ethan wiped his tears away with his sleeves, picking another flower from the ground. "How do you do it? You told me not let go, to hold on. But I want you back."  
Placing the tiny dandelion on the headstone, standing up Ethan picked up his bag.  
"I just want you back." He muttered, the wind picking up. His eyes still misty sudden raindrops fell from the sky, Ethan looked up as the rain started to fall from the sky.  
quickly grabbing the wet bag he ran for cover. Puddles splashing between his feet as he reached a street. Reaching a playground he reached cover under the trees, sitting on the boulders he looked around him. The yellow glow of the street lights made the playground look gloomy, the swings creaking and the paint in the slides wearing off. A man started to approach him, running towards the cover of the trees he realised it was Mark. He resisted the urge to walk off, the rain isn't going die down any soon. Sighing as Mark sat down a few meters away from him, Ethan ruffled his wet hair. The silence of the pitter patter and the nearby traffic filled the silence. _Mark..._ The one that broke him, yet he's in love with him, and he hates is. Ethan wanted to say so much, yet the silence spoke so much. Ethan wanted to say something, just something to break the tense moment between them.  
"Ethan I-"  
"You don't need to say anything to me, Mark." Ethan instantly said. Suprised he said that with a calm tone. Mark stood up to sit next to Ethan, which Ethan answered to by walking a few feet away from him.  
"Ethan please let me explain." Mark pleaded, standing up he grabbed Ethan's arms, forcing him to stop walking away.  
"Mark let go," Ethan demanded.  
"Ethan please let me talk to you." He said, both of them now soaking wet.  
"DONT TOUCH ME!" Ethan instantly yelled, managing to let go of Mark's tight grip, pushing him away he landed on a puddle.  
He was glad Mark can't see his tears in the rain, or how much he's sobbing right now.  
"Shit, Mark I'm sorry I didn't mean that." Ethan quickly said, not making eye contact with Mark.  
"Ethan wait-"  
But it was already useless, Ethan already ran off away from him. Clutching the bag the rain stung his face as he ran, his breathing was short and shallow. Having to catch his breath he used a brick wall for support, tears dripping to the ground. Amidst the chaos outside, the canal overflowing and the rain heavily pouring on him he was a mess, Broken.  
_Why did it have to be you... Mark_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok shit is about to get real next chapter ree btw the next chapter will focus on mark he just needs some love uwu


	4. My mind is lost in you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu im sorry i havent writen in a while, i was not really motivated so :/ btw this chapter will be in Markimoo so :p  
> KUDOS, FEEDBACK AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED

Mark breathed out air he didn't know he was holding, his clothes soaking wet, his soaked raven hair blocking his eye. Brushing his hair away from view he stood up, his torn apart bag was beside him he picked up his books and put it inside the breaking bag.  
There was something about Ethan that changed Mark, whether that is making his insults forced, half-hearted, or how he hated that Ethan didn't look like he gives two shits about anything.  
He was only here because Tyler bugged him to apologise to Ethan, now he was in the rain, soaking wet.  
_Ethan..._ what a weird name for a boy for him, to Mark anyway. There was something about Ethan, something _special about him_  
Mark shook off the weird feeling, it's just something he couldn't get his mind off that boy. Suddenly realising how cold he was Mark sneezed, before running away.  
Having the bag over his head he searched around for Ethan, occasionally stopping by to take a break.  
"Ethan? Please, can we just talk?" Mark called out in the rain, the loud sounds of the raindrops hitting the roof were weirdly calming. Mark stopped himself.  
_Why is he doing this?_

  
It isn't like he _cared_ for Ethan. It isn't, and he also didn't have to apologise to Ethan like Tyler told him to, this was the first time he really did anything to anyone.  
Sighing Mark ran out to the rain, his bag over his head as he ran through tiny puddles, splashing with rhythm. Everything felt oddly calm, with the heavy rain coming down hard on Mark.  
He still can't get Ethan out of his head, the flicker of the yellow glow of the street lights made him. Making him wonder how the street is even functioning.  
His thoughts drifted off as he walked, remembering the freshman years in high school, Ethan's rumours. Back then all he did was stare at Ethan, maybe call out an insult to him as he walked by him the hallways. Mark watching him turn _invisble_ from everyone, hardly anyone noticed him as he isolated himself and all Mark did is stare back-  
He had to stop himself, realising he was in the middle of the road as rain soaked him. Did he really start caring about Ethan this much?  
Mark had to recollect himself as he got back to the footpath. Not caring about the rain anymore he slung the almost broken bag on his bag. He was still a long way to go to until he can go home.  
He overslept, Mark actually overslept. After shoving coffee down his throat and quickly washing his face and putting on clothes, Mark ran outside as he looked at his watch.  
Running his hand through his bed hair, he let out a sigh as he realised he won't miss the 1st period at least.  
It was all because of Ethan that kept him up, cursing underneath his breath Mark almost tripped.  
It's just Ethan bothering him that's all, he just needed to keep his mind off Ethan.  
  
Mark grumbled as he took a bite of his sandwich, sighing he massaged his temples. The bags under his eyes were starting to appear, showing his exhaustion.  
Tyler grinned at him." What happened? Did you forget to apologise like I told you to?" Tyler said.  
"I didn't he just shoved me in a puddle, I think I caught a cold while it was heavily raining," Mark replied, before staring off into the distance.  
His heart skipped a beat as he saw Ethan sitting down on the corner, he can't quite explain the feeling when he sees Ethan,  
Tyler noticed he was staying at Ethan and smirked."Was it Ethan that kept you awake?" Tyler asked, smiling.  
Mark realised what he was doing, was it that obvious? Taking another bite he sighed. He didn't even know what he was feeling, Annoyance? Curiosity? Anger?  
"Its just he's too quiet, and I hate it, and how he looks like he doesn't care at all." Mark finally answered, before turning around as he tried to stay awake.  
"I don't know why..." He muttered, before paying attention to the group of friends he would normally sit next to, looks like they didn't even notice him.  
  
He started getting lost in his mind without even knowing it, tapping his fingers on the table when suddenly the bell rang. He caught himself staring at the seat of Ethan.  
Rubbing his eyes he grabbed his books and caught up with Tyler, who was talking busy organising things on the go. Until a loud thud was heard throughout the hallways, it caught everyone's attention as heads spun around, murmuring. Tyler sighed as someone bumped into him, bending down to pick up his books scattered on the floor he mouthed to Mark that 'he'll catch up.'  
Nodding at Tyler he walked to the other direction where a mass of people was, squeezing his way he wondered what was happening.  
His heart ached, almost dropping his books at the sight of Ethan fallen over. His face looking down at his face was touching his collarbone, the locker behind him with a massive dent made not too long ago. His bag was torn apart, leaving only a few books on the ground.  
Mark wanted to do something, anything. But it was as though his legs were glued to the ground. The person closest to him spat on Ethan, which Ethan flinched at.  
"Faggot," The boy spat out, before laughing and walking away, His presence seemed to linger for a few seconds, before everyone walked away like normal, going on as normal.  
Without thinking Mark walked over to Ethan, grabbing his Ethan's books.  
_What are you doing? I thought you didn't care about Ethan?_  
_How would people react? Just leave him!_  
His instincts screamed at him, putting down his own books he can feel people's eyes on his back. Then he made the friendliest smile he can muster, holding out his hand.  
"Ethan, are you OK?" He asked, making his tone comforting,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu i love jack's subnautica series rn lol so good <3 and also plz gimme feedback other wise idk what to improve on uwu


	5. Why can't you tell that I need you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gay panics everywhere wooooooooo, Ethan hating and loving Mark even more wooooo. this chapter is probably going to be shit cause its written in 4 am woooooooo  
> KUDOS, FEEDBACK AND COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED uwu <3

Ethan's heart started to beat faster, his hands clammy as Mark reached his hand out for him. Feeling eyes watch him, his every move.  
Why is Mark helping him? It all has to be a joke, behind that smile and funny humour. He thought to himself.  
_This is all just a joke, don't trust him, he will discard you like the others._  
_He will just trick you... don't trust him._  
He argued over himself, Ethan isolated himself so that he will never be manipulated, _tricked_ like his friends did,  
Sighing and doing his best to ignore the others around him, he stood up, not taking Mark's hand even though pain ebbed in every single part of his body.  
"I'm fine... Mark." Ethan said, lingering for a bit as he took his bag, walking away like nothing ever happened.  
Breathing heavily as he turned the corner Ethan sighed, taking out a tiny book from his bag. Hearing the voices regain its usual volume back he quickly ducked into the bathroom.  
Quickly entering a cubicle and locking the door behind him he sat down, rubbing his eyes he took out a tiny book from his bag, it was covered in cheap leather and the pages were easy to tear.  
Ethan just needs to be somewhere else right now, even if it means skipping a class.  
He was already a mess, who would care if he lost a few grades.  
Taking out a pencil he let his mind wander off, the lead barely touching the paper. 

He ached for Mark, yet he hated him, how he looks and how he's just perfect. Ethan will never be good enough, he will simply be a no-one, a barely functioning member of society.  
The sudden tears dropping to the book surprised Ethan, _tears?_. His eyes prickled with tears, he didn't realise he was crying until now.  
He never asked to be in loved with him, in fact, he never asked to feel _love_. More tears fell from his cheeks. adding to the hopelessness with the silent bathroom  
It's just what he imagined, love, being a poison, it feels _intoxicating_... yet it hurts. Like a _drug_... 

His trust disappeared from his past friends, he can longer trust anyone, not even _himself._  
Ethan didn't realise his sobs was almost a cry, his hands shaking as he held the book.  
Overwhelmed by the sudden emotion he didn't notice someone walking into the bathroom, the footsteps echoed.  
"Ethan, please open the door. let me talk to you, please." Ethan realised it was Mark by the sheer tone of his voice, wiping his tears away he cleared his throat.  
"GO AWAY!" Ethan shouted, his throat croaky from his sobs.  
_Please... stay._  
"Ethan, just let me talk to you, You don't have to open the door," Mark replied. There was something about Mark's tone that made Ethan at ease, he shook his head.  
"I don't want to talk to you..." Ethan mumbled, barely audible by the sleeve covering his mouth.  
_I want you to tell me that it's alright, tell me that you love me, I want you to stay here and comfort me._

"Ethan, just please tell me what's wrong. Talk to me I'll listen." Mark said, sitting down on the bathroom floor and leaning against the door.  
"Mark, just please go." Ethan pleaded, calming down his sobs to slow, withering ones.  
_Please don't go._  
"I'm fine, just go. Y-you, don't have to worry about me." Ethan said, calming himself down.  
_Stay with me, Mark. please..._  


He can hear Mark reluctantly stand up, pausing as he shuffled his feet.  
"Ethan, if you need to talk to someone. Talk to me. because I-"  
"Mark, please... just go." He murmured, curling himself up into a ball.  
_Come back Mark..._  
Like what Ethan told him to do Mark left, leaving him all alone. A lot of things was unsaid, from unshed tears to hidden emotions and broken words. Ethan laid amidst his messy mind, trying to make sense of what was happening inside his head.  
"Why do you even care about me, Mark," Ethan muttered under his breath. Holding his book while he slowly turned numb, his red eyes staring at the blue paint on the wall. He instantly snapped out of his mental state, wiping his tears away and putting a hood on he slung his bag over him as he opened the door.  
Ethan was greeted with a mass of people and unusual commotion of someone getting told by the principal, squeezing between people he clutched onto the book. The sun was shining brightly outside, with students laughing and smiling, the birds tweeting. Ethan felt unusually out of place, walking downstairs he desperately wanted to leave. To go to the only thing that gave him some sort of comfort.  
The desolate playground. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i should be sleeping bc i need to get up and go outside in 9 hours.., i need to write fanfiction thats what oh and dont worry u will get your lovely dovely scene just wait for it jahahhahha i suck at writing :^)


	6. I'm just so done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOI PEOPLE IM BACK REEE  
> honestly im proud of this chapter, i took time to look over it and polished. Quite happy how it turned out and yeah.... Love you guys xoxoxo also when reading listen to either [ this ](https://youtu.be/G3UeoZechSg) or [ this ](https://youtu.be/XJIvgPy5OeY). adds to the mood, for me anyways :/  
> KUDOS, COMMENTS AND FEEDBACK ARE APPRECIATED

The soft sound of the wind rustled the branches and leaves, Ethan shivered.  
He sighed as a car went past him, his head was a mess. Not focusing on where he was walking he nearly stepped on a giant puddle on the ground.  
_It’s fine, I just need to clear my head, I’m a mess_  
“I’ve always been....” He mumbled, before fixing his hair.  
The desolate playground held memories close to him, from his first slide to his first friends he ever made on through the monkey bars. It’s always a place he would visit besides from it’s ruined figure.  
Ethan suddenly felt a strange presence watching his every move, it sends a chill down his spine.  
He went against his instincts, pushing the urge to run deep down his thoughts.  
Laughter was heard behind him, it was a quiet snicker that force Ethan to sweat and panic.  
_Who’s there?_  
_Please don’t hurt me_  
His thoughts ran wild inside his head, causing him to be fidgety, _terrified_.  
Ethan suddenly felt to scream help, anything to signal for help. He quickened his pace, looking over his shoulder he saw three people walking behind him.  
Question ran through his head.  
_Who were they?_  
They looked somewhat _familiar_. Ethan swore he saw them somewhere else, but he quite wasn’t sure.  


Ethan didn’t even want to go to the desolate playground anymore, he just wanted to be somewhere _safe _.__  
His heart was practically in his throat, feeling every heartbeat practically burn his throat.  
He was practically hyperventilating at this point, starting to feel dizzy he was surprised he was walking at all.  
Ethan suddenly broke out into a run, hearing footsteps right on his tail  
He didn’t even know who he was running away until he was tackled to the ground, his head landing with a thud on the hard, concrete. He swears he felt blood trickled down the back of his head.  
His heart was beating out of his chest when he looked to see a crooked, twisted smile. _Like a smile from a murderer_.  
“Hey, Ethan.” The boy smiled at him, almost _lifeless_. Suddenly realising it was the student who pushed him to his locker today he bit his lips.  
Ethan’s chest was pulsing with pain, he couldn’t be bothered to answer.  
“You aren’t the talkative type?” Teased the boy, getting on top of Ethan. Fear gripped every move Ethan made and exhaustion held him down. He suddenly felt a sharp pain in his chest, knocking the wind out of him he yelled in response.  
The boy above him snickered, laughing as he landed another blow on Ethan.  
He noticed how he _slurred_ his words, like he didn’t have _control_ over his words.  
Then it hit him between the blows he felt, or the blood the in his hands didn’t really matter.  
The boy was holding a bottle of beer in his right hand, it almost spilled on him a couple of times.  
Ethan wasn’t really feeling the pain anymore, he was feeling rather numb. He vision had black spots and he had trouble keeping his open.  
His eyelids started to feel heavy, gripping the hip of the boy his grip was rather weak.  
Ethan saw a figure with raven hair approaching them, his eyelids started to close. “ETHAN!” Was all he heard, before blacking out in the street.  


____His knees were weak, arms were heavy. Sitting up Ethan felt an instant throbbing in his head, feeling at the back of his head he noticed there was no blood.  
_Where was he?_ He wasn’t in a hospital, the room he was in looked like a bedroom of teenagers. With some posters hanged up on the wall about sports.  
Ethan carefully observed his surroundings, there was a desk near the door, clothes were scattered around the messy room. The room was rather dull and empty.  
He couldn’t hear outside the room he was in, besides a few broken words like “Found” and his name was mentioned a few times.  
The door suddenly opening he quickly laid down, facing the wall. The footsteps were soft, quiet. He can hear it up approaching him.  
“Ethan, you awake?” Mark asked, Ethan instantly recognised the voice. The whole bed shifted weight as Mark sat down on the bed.  
He didn’t pay attention to Mark, only staring at the blank wall. His heart was beating faster, what was happening to him? He felt butterflies in his stomach.  
He felt a hand slowly rock him back and forth, slowly sighing he sat up and looked at Mark. Who somehow looked more perfect, with his smile on his mouth and his raven hair.  
_He’s just too perfect…_  
He had to stop himself, looking straight at Mark he gave him a half-heartedly smile.  
“What happened... the boy who-”  
“I’m sorry, it was one of my friends… he was really drunk after we had our usual talk after school and he brought some beer.” Mark interrupted, trying to sound apologetic.  
The atmosphere between them was tense and awkward, both of them didn’t dare to break the silence.  
“Why did you care enough to save me?” Ethan asked, his voice sounding hoarse from not drinking water. Suddenly feeling a sharp pain in his stomach he let out a wince.  
“What do you mean?” Mark replied, turning to Ethan.  
“I-I’m worth saving, why did you care enough for me?” Ethan said, feeling his eyes prickle with tears. Suddenly grabbing Mark’s hand he held it close to his chest, his heart beating rapidly as Mark felt it.  
drug, making my heart beat faster. I love you, yet I hate you, love makes me blind and I hate you. I hate you, I hate, you-” Ethan stopped himself, looking at Mark who was looking at him, his hand near his chest.  
_Yet I love you…_  
Mark took back his hand, as Ethan stood up he lingered for a few seconds and quickly taking his bag. There were so many things unsaid from those few precious seconds.  
“Doesn’t matter, who would want a faggot like me?” Ethan said, his heartbreaking and squinting his tears away.  
Mark didn’t grab his arms like in the movies, Mark didn’t say to him “I love you” like a simple cliche, Mark didn’t say anything back. Mark did Nothing happened like in the movies, nothing ever happened. This is real life, where Mark will probably never talk to him ever again. Or he will probably yell at him.  


__Walking out of the room Mark didn’t chase after Ethan or did anything. Walking through hallways Ethan can still feel the warmth from Mark’s hand, it hurts as he cherished it.  
_Love’s just a poison… isn’t it?_  
“Ethan was it? Are you sure you want to go?” Mark’s Mother asked, clearly concerned about Ethan’s health. But Ethan didn’t answer, all he did was kept walking and not answer.  
Ethan felt _lost…_ like nothing mattered anymore.  
Why did he even bother telling Mark?  
No one stopped him, no one called out to him, not even Mark... Ethan expected someone to at least attempt to stop him from leaving as he almost collapsed outside, the sun was already low on the horizon, painting a gorgeous orange and red across the sky.  
Though Ethan wasn’t in the mood, all he wanted to do is stop existing.  
HIs footsteps barely contained any effort, it was empty, he felt tears prickle in his eyes. The feeling of being shot was in his insides, cause all he was is a side character. He wasn’t supposed to be with the Protagonist, he wasn’t supposed to be with him, he was supposed to watch him float away from him, probably meet a girl while he watches on the sidelines.  


__The wind around him picked up, a car almost ran him over as he muttered a simple “sorry”.  
Nothing new, at least to him anyway, he didn’t mind getting hit by a car right at this moment.  
He looked around as he saw the desolate playground, the swing danced in the wind, squeaking.  
So many memories happened, from his first friends back in grade 1, to his naive and outgoing self, hanging out with his friends, to that one night in the rain with Mark-  
Ethan stopped his track of thoughts, he just had to stop to forget about Mark, how perfect he is or how his smile makes his insides feel funny…  
What’s this? Tears fell down his cheek, sobbing uncontrollably as he tried to stop his tears  
_All he have to do is stop being in love with Mark…_  
He collapsed on the ground, tears staining his shorts, he was a mess outside.  
_I just want to forget everything… forget about him_  
_But I just can’t…_  
Ethan’s legs shaking he let out quick breaths, his hands trembling after he covered his face with his hands.  
After managing to stand up and wipe his tears away, dragging himself to his house, his cheeks clearly gave away he was crying. But his Step-father didn’t even care as he opened the door to his house, the living room clearly a mess as a few bottles of empty beer was scattered.  
A sports game was on the TV as he entered, the weird smell of something rotting almost made him puke. Walking upstairs he sighed, almost tripping on some random cloth on the narrow stairs.  


__He was stopped by his mother, who looked like a mess with her sunken eyes and messy hair tied to a bun.  
She gave him a weak smile, patting on him on the head.  
“You keeping up with your studies?” She asked, clearly trying to make a conversation with Ethan.  
Ethan nodded, giving her a weak smile, her cheeks gave away she was crying.  
“Hey, Ethan. We’ll get through this Okay? Let’s go to church to on Sunday” She said, both of them knew that they were trying. Under the roof of his alcoholic Father was hard.  
“Yeah, I know mum,” Ethan replied, before exchanging looks with his Mother, before walking away from her. Going to his room he felt a slight guilt, looking back his Mother wasn’t there in the hallway.  
Sighing he opened his room, one thing was it was rather bare. With a desk in the corner which the sunlight never reached, the messy bed and the random stacks of clothes in his chair.  
Sighing he felt tears prickle his eyes, collapsing on the bed his blankets stained with tears.  
Ethan just needed everything to stop, his emotions, life, people.  
_He just needs to… let go…_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :^)


	7. We're hurting each other and we don't even know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YO ITS YOUR ANGSTY FANFIC WRITER BACK WITH ANOTHER CHAPTER UWU  
> (note that when i finish i use grammarly and shit bc im too lazy and too embarrased to read my work and just scan over it when im done so i apologize for any weird mistakes lol)

Mark’s heart skipped a beat after the confession, the warmth from Ethan’s hand, the quick heartbeats from Ethan made it better. Mark sat there, confused, what was he supposed to say? Act?  
Instead, Mark didn’t say anything, didn’t kiss Ethan, didn’t comfort him. He felt like an idiot.  
As Ethan left him, the warmth of his hand left. Mark didn’t say anything to him, he just stared at Ethan, he was too scared. Gripping the blankets from the bed he prepared for what was going to happen next.  
“Doesn’t matter, who would want a faggot like me?”  
The words hung, Mark can see the tiny crinkles in Ethan’s eyes as he started _breaking_ , tiny tears started forming on the corners. He didn’t comfort him, his feelings a whole mess as he stared at Ethan. Mark didn’t grab him by the arm like in the movies, didn’t stop him as he left, didn’t tell him he’s Okay, Mark didn’t tell Ethan that he loved him, held him tight as he kissed him.  
_And he felt guilt, sadness…_  
As his stomach churned with his train of thoughts, his heart beating fast.  
His emotions were all a blur as Ethan left the room, the loud thud of the front door soon came. The air was still, motionless, he didn’t dare to move his hands as he feared he would hurt someone.  
He remembered Ethan as he left, the quick 5 minutes clothes put on, or how he was breaking inside and all Mark wanted to do is hug him tight and never let go.  
A branch scrapped by the window, causing him to jump and bite his lip.  
“W-what’s happening to me?” Mark muttered to himself, his hands shaking. He can remember every bit about Ethan, how his mouth sometimes quivered, or how cute he is-  


Mark stopped himself, ruffling his own hair and burrowing his own face on a bunch of pillows, letting out a muffled scream. Laying down in his own bed he sighed.  
What he really needs is some alcohol, something to forget what just happened in his own train of thoughts.  
Laying in his own bed the muted music behind the thin walls and the quiet footsteps throughout the house took his mind off his thoughts.  
Humming in the rhythm as the repetitive song on the radio, the birds tweeting, a storm outside was brewing, swirling grey clouds in the sky.  
Finally deciding to entertain himself he lazily stood up from his bed, almost tripping over he walked around his room.  
Ethan was still in his mind, swirling in his empty and bored thoughts. Muttering words under his breath he yawned, looking outside the sun was low on the horizon, but the sky is still bright and blue.  
_5 PM_  


Yawning he fell back on his bed, his eyelids suddenly feeling very heavy. His vision slowly fading as sleep slowly put a spell on him.  
_The room he was in was pitch black, the air around him was cold, but still, his footsteps echoing. A quiet muffled cry was heard, Mark quickly picked up on it. After searching for a while Mark stopped, shivering in the cold air around him. Another muffled cry went through_  
“ETHAN!” Mark yelled, sitting up his whole body was sweaty and sticky, his chest was quickly rising and falling. Wiping the sweat from his forehead he sighed, his hands shaking from his intense dream. His heart at his throat  
“Wh-why do I even care about Ethan so much?” Mark muttered, burying his face in his hands, hoping it would somehow wake him up.  
The silver moonlight lit up his dark room, the cold chilly air was still. Mark breathed out a puff of clouds, standing up his hands shaking Mark threw on a Jacket and opened his window. The bright moon was hidden behind a couple of clouds, a strong wind blew by, causing Mark’s eye’s to water.  
He didn’t dare to look down as the roof was narrow and small, taking a deep breath to hide his regrets his hair blowing everywhere.  
_Ethan…_ the name made Mark’s heart flutter, _but why_  
As he took a cautious step in the dark, almost slipping on the roof tiles. Almost yelling at the rather quiet neighbourhood Mark took a breather. Before safely jumping down to a reasonable height to the ground.  
His phone suddenly buzzing from his pocket he took it out with his trembling hands.  
_Sam the man: Yo Mark, you comin or not? We getting really impatient lul_  
The bitter cold didn’t help with his typing, taking a shaky breath from exhaustion he typed back a reply.  
_Mark: Yeah I’m comin, get started I got hold up with stuff lol :/_  
As the dirt crunched beneath his feet he put his hands in his pocket, humming in the dark streets at midnight.  
_I really need to stop this vicious cycle_  


The house was too quiet, Ethan look around one last time before heading outside, the cool wind hitting his face.  
Fixing his crinkles in his clothes he walked on the footpath, the silent night gave him comfort in the lonely night.  
His steps were lazy, as he dragged his feet along the ground.  
_Doesn’t matter, who would want a faggot like me?_  
As he played with his emotions in his brain the things he said it loosely hung on his train of thoughts.  
_“Why do you make me feel like this? Why do you make me feel… so… intoxicated?_  
Ethan laughed at his own self out of self-pity, his hair blowing in the wind.  
_He really was an idiot_  
As the corners of his eyes welled up with tears his own emotions tossed and turned, what was he supposed to feel? Sadness? Regret? Guilt?  
“Nothing…” Ethan muttered, as he wiped his tears away, he took a deep breath as he let the cold crisp air into his lungs. A cool breeze blew by, making the branches sway and the flowers flutter in the wind.  
Why him? Was the question Ethan kept asking himself, _Why Mark?_  
As Ethan got lost in Mark, sometimes staring at him on how perfect he is, or how he hates him so much, for the things that he makes Ethan feel.  
_I really do hate him_  
By the way Mark moves, acts. _It’s just too good… and he hates it._  
Feeling the soft patch of grass reach up to his shins, walking over creaky swings he felt the cold chains against his skin.  
The only thing that gave comfort was the barely functioning playground, from the weed growing through the tubes, to the uneven pavements. The whole thing was barely together, _yet… Ethan loved it_  
Being the only person in this exact place gave him some sort of comfort, staring at the yellow glow of the lampost Ethan sighed.  
Gently swinging back and forth to take his mind at ease, humming at himself he shook his head.  
_I-I shouldn’t be feeling like this…_  
Suddenly jumping as he saw a dark silhouette under a lampost, Ethan couldn’t figure out who is was, the figure was on his phone.  
Ethan was frozen with fear, who was that? Gripping the chains of the swings tighter he kept on edge.  
The figure suddenly ran from out of the blue, running across the street, towards Ethan, then taking a left before disappearing.  
Taking a sigh of relief he let out a shaky breath. Ethan’s mind quickly snapped, something familiar was with that figure, Ethan felt he knew tho it was.  
Going against himself as he argued over himself as he hung the reasons why he was following some random stranger, suddenly his feet started to move on its own.  
Ethan’s insides churned, he felt something’s going to happen.  
_Something he doesn’t want to see_  


Running across the street as his heart was in his throat, Mark knew how angry and restless his ‘friends’ get when he gets late. His heart thumping loudly as his breathing was all over the place.  
Finally reaching the damp, dark alleyway with a single lantern on top of a wooden box.  
Several people were already drunk, two people were already making out with giggling in between, someone is barely managing to walk up right.  
Looking at the mess he walking into Mark cleared his throat.  
Despite the cold weather, everyone is too drunk to even notice what was happening.  
_This is what my life come to…_  
With the broken beer bottles on the ground and the crowded area, Mark walked over to Sam who almost puked on the ground. Turning around Mark can clearly see his bags under his eyes, messy brown hair and blue eyes.  
“Mark! W-we s-so wor-worried you didn’t want to come.” Sam said, slurring his words while he passed a beer to Mark, who smiled weakly as a reply.  
Nothing is worse than the strong smell of vomit and beer, as someone yelled as they tripped over, people giggled like nothing happened.  
_I shouldn’t be here_  
His pose was stiff, shutting his eyes he took a swig of the bottle. Finishing it in one swing as it burned his throat, several cheers ruptured.  
The alcohol was strong and fast acting, as he slowly lost his worries and his vision slowly blurred.  
_But Ethan was still in his mind_  
Mark felt… funny, as he didn’t feel the world on his shoulders, living care free at that moment.  
“I-I’m flying.” Mark said, turning into giggling mess.  
He felt he was living care-free, like a child. Back then he didn’t get drunk, didn’t have his emotions lost, didn’t have his heart broken, didn’t have to use beer as his escape.  
His cheek getting flustered he sat down on the boxes, smiling.  
Mark noticed Tyler was sitting besides a corner, checking his phone. Mark barely made his way as he took another bottle of beer.  
“T-Ty! Why aren’t you dr-drinkin! G-go a-and d-drink some!” Mark slurred, smiling as he took another swing of the bottle. Tyler looked up at him and smiled. He shifted his positions so he could easily lean on the wall.  
“I’m here to make sure you don’t die. I’m not drinking” Tyler answered, looking back down onto his phone.  


Mark breathed out a puffs out cloud from his mouth. He laughed, a real laugh. On what has felt like 10 years since he actually laughed, didn’t matter if it was the alcohol, or that he’s tricking himself. It didn’t matter.  
_He was happy_  
Amidst the slurred conversation, vomit, broken shards of glass and drunken kisses, the yellow glow from the nearby streetlights.  
Staring up the stars shone brightly at the pitch black sky, the silver moon hiding behind clouds. The moment was magical, almost impossible to happen. In the chaos he found peace as he slurred his words and barely managed to talk as he took another swing of his beer.  
As his vision grew with black spots he managed to walk over to Sarah, who was looking had her blonde hair tied to a lazy ponytail, she clearly didn’t bother about her clothes.  
“I-I c-ca-came here to for-forget…”Mark stuttered, tapping her on the shoulder she turned around and greeted Mark with a lazy grin, her cheeks flustered.  
“A-ab-about a boy…”He finished, locking fingers with hers. The moment felt so wrong… yet so right. It wasn’t Ethan, _but he was too drunk to even care…_  
Slowly putting their pulling in for a drunken kiss, her lips was too soft, she reeked of alcohol and stale chocolate.  
The simple kiss got messy, when Mark pinned her back to brick wall. It was obvious they wanted each other, alcohol or not it didn’t matter as they giggled between kisses.  
But it didn’t feel right to Mark, it wasn’t Ethan, it wasn’t that cute boy, it’s not him right now.  
But he was too drunk to even care anymore… 

As Ethan peeked behind a wall the illuminated alleyway came into view, he heard shouts and laughs in this rather isolated part of town.  
He couldn’t make out who it was making out, who was vomiting on the ground. He only heard strange noises, deciding to get closer he held his breath and ran closer, the darkness hid his position.  
The noises were getting clear, obviously they were drunk from the slurred voices and the unusual amount of laughter coming out.  
They chanting of “Mark” was loud, his curiosity getting the better he peeked from his spot.  
Simple events that clicked led to this, Ethan’s heart breaking. As the image of Mark loving someone else was burnt into his mind, crawling into a ball as he buried his face between his legs, letting uncontrollable sobs. This is what he had come to, sobbing over a guy who loves someone else because he’s too fucking stubborn. It could have been him there, it could have him been with Mark with drunken kisses. He would laugh at his own stupidity like he would have a chance with Mark?  
_Love really is a poison_  
As he cried over a guy because he’s too stupid to realise he will never be with. It’s all a stupid dream that led him to this moment, crying over Mark.  
_I really am an idiot..._  
It felt like a knife stabbed him, twisting and turning his insides, it stung.  
_But it was my fault that I ended up falling for you…_  
As his sobs turned into quiet ones, his legs trembling in the cold.  
_Why you… Mark_  
The chanting was still there, the slurred conversations were still there. They didn’t pay any attention to him. _It would have been better if he disappeared in the wind._  


Something was really wrong, as Mark roughly bit her lower lip, causing her to moan. It really didn’t feel right as he lost his senses, the chanting was muted and his vision was getting blurry. Mark wanted to stop, but he was too drunk to even notice everything.  
“E-Etha-Ethan.”Mark moaned, before collapsing to the ground with a thud, which caused the girl to sigh in disgust and let out a soft giggle after.  
Like nothing even happened everyone was laughing their asses off while Mark was barely conscious, tasting the vomit and bile as alcohol burned his throat.  
Tyler let a hand through his own hair, tapping Mark on the shoulder and frowning at himself.  
“Come on buddy, let’s go,” Tyler muttered, before heaving him off the ground and supporting Mark as he reached for his arms, putting is around his shoulder.  
Mark simply grunted in response, slowly breathing through his nose. Closing his eyes he smiled to himself.  
_I’m such an idiot_  
As Tyler dragged him out of the alleyway, he heard broken sobs from nearby. Looking around for a minute he noticed someone curled up into a ball, Tyler took a step, but stopped himself, realising who it was he bit his lip.  
“Sorry, Ethan,” Tyler muttered, the wind carrying his words away. Exhaustion was taking over Tyler as he dragged himself out here to keep Mark safe, as he started walking the footpath crunched his feet. Humming to himself the distant chirps of the grasshoppers made Mark at ease.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uwu the whole fanfic is me over using wind, stuuf and im a bad writer go im sorry lol


	8. Sad and in love with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey... IM SORRY I WRITE REALLY SLOW AND I'M NOT REALLY PROUD OF THIS TBH LIKE REEEEEEEE  
> ok im sorry, I wanted to write more but im losing motivation  
> comments, feedback and kudos are appreciated ;w; <3

Ethan couldn’t remember how he got home, he was too exhausted and tired to notice anything, the warm sunlight reached his face as he sat up, the light blinded him as he squinted.  
Last night was a blur for Ethan, he can still remember from _last night…_  
The thought made his throat choke, his handshake... _he had to get Mark out of his mind, the poison_  
Lazily getting out of bed he didn’t have the energy to care if he was late, or if his alcoholic Father would scold him, maybe be too drunk to even notice him.  
Each action he took sapped his patience and strength, as he put on 5-minute clothes on himself.  
_That could have been me…_  
The thought made him sick, his eyes teary as it jogged his memories of how much he hated Mark.  
_Mark…_  
What brings him sleepless nights from thinking of him, his insides fluttering when he’s around. _Lead to this…_  
Mark made him sick, his heartache, unhushed tears. What happens to him?  
The house was rather quiet, the creaking of the floorboards underneath his feet. He noticed all of these things now, why now?  
As he ignored his empty stomach Ethan opened the door outside with such force it made his arm hurt, the cold air licked his face as he stepped outside.  


He was more aware of his surroundings, the way certain people walked gave away their tiny secrets, or that one person in his bus seemed to be holding her sleeves more often.  
It’s the tiny things that gave away people’s secrets, _even his.._  
As the bus came to a halt he noticed each step he took wasn’t heavy, or that the air around him was lighter.  
_He felt good about himself… until that event…_  
The noise from the hallway didn’t disappear, the assholes were still there, his eyes weren’t drawn to Mark in the corner.  
Ethan ignored the sudden volume of conversations behind him, biting his lower lip he ignored the conversation behind him, _it was too late for him to notice…_  
Suddenly getting hit with a strong force, knocking him back to the walls, he can feel his headache with pain as his bag was picked up by an unknown person.  
’ His vision had tiny blobs of black, looking up the figure smiled at him, menacingly.  
“We can’t have faggots like you, can we?” The boy said, then throwing a kick at Ethan which made him scream in pain. As his legs began to bruise and each kick built up with more force.  
His attempts to block the blows with his hands were useless, he can feel the snickers from the boy, the sounds of voices judging him, the chuckles from nearby.  
He can feel tears run down his cheeks, this was something that never changed. It was life has stopped him, the colours were fading and the sounds were muted. Lowering his guard he took the blows, his body was lifeless. He couldn’t hear them judge him, couldn’t see them laugh. _Couldn’t see him kill him inside…._  
Then he realised, _this was all he was…_  
The blows slowly dwindled, and his hands were shaking, his head was pulsing with pain, he didn’t have the energy to feel what’s blood or not.  
Ethan could hear footsteps echoing in the hallway, the laugh leaving the boy.  
“Don’t come back, fucking faggot.” The boy said, those last words almost made Ethan break. _No one wanted him… not even himself…_  


Mark felt so stupid, all he did was watch the whole thing unfold from a distance, only to take a few steps forward to just stand still, he could have stopped all of this, he could have helped Ethan.  
_It was all his fault…_  
Last night of being knocked out by alcohol didn’t help, his memory was foggy as of what happened, his breath still stank and his head throbbed with pain, his movement was still slow.  
Watching Ethan get knocked down by the blows made his anger rise, his knuckles going white as he curled them into a fist.  
But why did he care so much about Ethan?  
That the fact that he looked cute, or he made those slight smiles that made his insides have butterflies…  
Mark stopped himself… losing his train of thought as he watched the boy leave Ethan behind, _he accidentally fell in love with him…_  
His brain was a cloudy haze, not being able to make any thoughts as his face was burning. Whispers and conversations slowly dwindled, as Ethan despite the blows he took managed to stand up, his knees were clearly wobbling.  
All Mark wanted to do is to help him, as the bell suddenly rang everyone walked the other direction, leaving Mark standing still, the tension was tense between Mark and Ethan, both of them wanted to say something.  
“Mark, you comin?” Tyler said, on how observant he was Tyler knows Mark too well, he was always watching other people. Mark nodded and sighed, walking the other direction.  
_Leaving Ethan alone…_  
“I-I’m coming.” Mark reluctantly said, as he dragged his feet across the ground, Ethan was still in the back of his mind.  
He was still fidgety, probably from the alcohol that’s still in his system. His footsteps echoed in the empty hallways, he looked down on the ground as he avoided eye contact with Tyler.  
“Hey, buddy you Okay? Did you drink too much?” Tyler asked, making sure Mark was only concerned about his health, he took a deep breath before speaking.  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just really fucking tired, drank too much that’s all.” Mark replied, his voice was dull. Tyler ignored it and patted Mark’s shoulder.  
“Hey, he’ll be fine. No need to worry, I’ll check up on him later.” Tyler said, comforting Mark as his cheeks turned red, how did Tyler know?  
“I don’t know if he will Tyler, I don’t even know why I’m so scared for him…” Mark trailed off, he was in the brink of tears, when did he care about Ethan so much? His heart was racing because of his name, how did he end up like this?  
“Mark, calm down he’ll be fine.” Tyler reassured Mark, he spun his head around to see a smile from Tyler. He weakly smiled back and walked to the other direction.  
The reassurance from Tyler didn’t help much, he was still worried even more for Ethan. He was more anxious, his hands was clammy as he held his books close to him. He didn’t care he was late to science, as he ignored the tense atmosphere in the room, the scolding of Ms. Smith from being late again the 3rd time this week, as he sat down his mind wandered off.  
He couldn’t sit still as he moved his legs every second, everything was itchy.  
_Mark really need to stop this cycle_  
He was always broken, hiding it by putting other people down, laughing and smiling, pulling pranks and drinking. Of course it didn’t last long, his emotions got the better of him from restless nights, dried tears on his cheeks, his inside was an empty void.  
_It hurt him so much_  
It pained him every single day, like a part of him is missing. Mark knew he was too young to be broken, each day he would he was so close to the point of breaking.  
When Ethan rolled in it was like a part of him came back, from the tiny things from him with his weak smile or casual face.  
The restless nights stopped, his tears eventually stopped.  
_But why him?_  
Why Ethan, he always convinced he was straight? Right? He’s normal…  
He rested his hand on his hand, fiddling with a broken pencil on the desk, the sunlight breaking through the windows, the sounds was muted to him, from the laughs from the guy that always sits at the back to the yelling at the front.  
Nothing seemed interesting to Mark anymore, the way flowers bloomed only made way to them withering in the cold.  
What is happening to him?  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily guys thanks for reading


	9. I don't love you anymore... sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey.... uhh.. have this... its 5 am rn and I feel g r e a t coffee is running through my veins, my stomach feels empty and weird LETS DO THIS  
> comments, feedback and kudos are appreciated <3

Ethan was a withering mess, his head was throbbing with pain, his whole body was shaking as he dragged along his feet across the tiled floor.  
His mind was loud, no one heard it but himself, his thoughts killing him as he used the walls for support.  
He didn’t feel… anything, his whole mind killing him while his emotions ran dry.  
Ethan felt empty, as his stomach twisted as he let out a grunt. When was the last time he ate?  
Too long, he couldn’t care to take care of himself anymore. All he did was take up space, a space that meant nothing to everyone. All he did was take up space while he barely existed.  
He never had the energy to care anymore, as his legs aches from walking.  


_Who wants you anyways?_  
_You have never mattered, you’re just a toy for everyone to play with._  


“Shut up.” Ethan muttered under his breath, his voice croaky when it came out.  


_Their all just faking it, no one cared about you anyway._  
_You’re too late to be fixed, you’re so broken._  
_You’re so disgusting, weak, ugly, broken._  
_No one wants a faggot like you, why even bother? No one would care if you disappeared._  
_Just die already_  
_Just-_

“JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE!” Ethan yelled, his voice echoing in the hallways reminded him he was alone. His thoughts was silenced. All his anger and emotions poured over one sentence, he can feel his breathing getting heavy. His heart beating as the eerie silence settled in.  
He could hear his own frantic breathing, as he looked down on the tiled floor. Ethan could see his own reflection, touching his cheeks he could feel… tears?  
Ethan was crying? He didn’t realise it before, it just settled in, after the burst of emotions a moment ago, now he was crying?  
It felt odd to him, for some reason. He could feel the tears coming out of his eyes, but he felt… _nothing…_  
Why is he crying? He knows he should be feeling something, did his emotions just disappear in a fraction of a second? Something is happening to him, he’s a mess, a broken mess…  
The tears stained his cheeks, as he tried to wipe them away, looking down on the ground he refused to look up.  
Ethan didn’t want anyone seeing him broken and a mess, as he wiped the tears away with his sleeves, he could still see the bruises in his arms.  
He looked at his own reflection again, seeing the tiny cuts on his face or the bruises on his temples.  
_He just realized how broken he was_  
As he quickly looked away from himself he sniffled back a cry, he felt a shadow over him, his heart was racing? Does the person know what just happened? Did they see how broken he was?  
Ethan didn’t want to face the person who was just standing there while he looked down on the wall, wiping the last tears away he looked up to be greeted by Tyler.  
His clothes were a lot more casual, with a grey jacket and black pants, his hair was messy but he didn’t look like he cared.  
Standing up straight he looked straight at Tyler, giving him a weak smile.  
“Hey, Ethan you Okay? Did he… give you any injuries?” Tyler asked, making sure he was only worried about him, Ethan held his arm with his hand as he grazed over a bruise.  
Ethan’s eyes crinkled, as he took a second to respond.  
“Ye-yeah, I’m fine really. He didn’t really hurt me much…” Ethan replied, staring off into the distance. Tyler knew he was hiding something, based on the way he talked or acted. Tyler picked up on the tiny details.  
“You sure?” Tyler asked, staring at Ethan’s hands fiddling with his sleeves.”You sound really shitty, you look like a mess. If you want you can-”  
“I SAID IM FINE!” Ethan shouted, his voice echoing in the desolate hallway. His breathing was now frantic, he could feel his anger again, fierce. He looked down on the ground as he looked at himself, the eerie silence didn’t help with the tense atmosphere between them.  
Neither of them tried to speak in the tense moment between them. Ethan’s legs were starting to ache.  
“Yeah… I’m just tired” Ethan replied, breaking the tense moment between them. He even laughed at himself as he looked up to see Tyler.  
Yeah, Ethan was tired, tired of existing, tired of everything.  
“Just… tired…” Ethan finished, even laughing at himself. Lingering before walking away from Tyler. His hands was shaking.  
Tyler sighed, slowly walking as his footsteps echoed on the hallway.  
“This one’s going to be hard for Mark.” Tyler muttered, before walking to the left.  


Mark sighed, the weird particles in the air dancing in the sunlight.  
It looked pretty, to Mark as his made the dust and tiny particles dance in the sunlight.  
It took his mind off things, as the wind fluttered outside.  
Mark sighed, his head was heavy with thoughts. Mark blocked out the incoherent sounds, cupping his ears with his hands the sounds were muted.  
His mind was still on Ethan, as he drifted away from reality.  
_Ethan…_  
Mark always wondered why it was Ethan, there was nothing unique about him he would admit.  
His breathing was calm for once, as he looked at his hands, which wasn’t shaking.  
He wasn’t shaking for once, he was in control of himself for once.  
Mark sighed, what was happening to him?  
Was it because of Ethan? The name made his insides flutter.  
Did he like like Ethan? Mark was sure he was straight, right?  
He was normal  
He fits in right?  
He’s not in love with another boy, right?  
Mark’s normal, he _will_ stay normal.  
Ethan isn’t cute. Ethan doesn’t deserve him, Ethan…  
He wanted to fit in, he wanted to be ‘normal’, by changing himself he has already forgotten who his real self was, he was too worked up over himself. As Mark hid it behind his fake personalities.  
_Mark just wants to be… himself again…_  
He felt tears prickle his eyes, why is he starting to cry?  
Why is he crying over Ethan? As he quickly blinked away the tears in his eyes. His hands was shaking as he looked at his hands, stained with ink.  
_What really happened to him?_  
He asked himself that question so many times, yet it ran around his head as the question hurt him so much. So much things has impaled his fragile heart, his head spun around the questions that lingered in his mind. His legs was shaking, he couldn’t calm down his beating heart.  


“Mark Fishbach, do you need to step outside?” She asked, the whole room went dead silent as she spoke, her voice stern.  
Mark rubbed the palm of his hand, as he failed to calm down his beating heart.  
He let out a shaky breath, as he gripped his jeans.  
“Sorry, I’m just… tired…” Mark answered, trying to stop his voice from shaking and falling apart.  
He could feel the tense atmosphere in the room, the quiet, everyone was staring at him.  
_Staring, waiting._  
He had trouble controlling his breath, as he waited for the response from woman.  
“Hmmm… I wonder why…” She muttered, loud enough for people to hear. As she went back to typing at her computer. Tyler forced his lips to fake a smile, it was weak but it worked for him.  
Mark let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, his lungs felt heavy.  
_It was all because of him…_  
He’s the one that took Mark’s breath away from him.  
He’s the one that messed him up.  
He’s the one that broke him yet fixed him.  
Why him?  
Why is he the one broke his heart?  
His heart was still beating in his chest, as the thumping from his chest distracted him.  
Mark sighed, rubbing his face with both of his hands.  
He really needed to get himself together.  


Mark barely managed to get through the period, as he lazily trudged through the maze, as everyone pushed to the exit as loud laughs erupted from the crowd outside.  
His heart finally calmed down a few minutes ago, as the empty feeling kicked in.  
The colours from the hallway slowly faded and drained. The loud conversations amidst the chaos of the hallway, was only a mere ringing noise to him.  
It has been a while since Mark had these moments, where all life drained in his sight.  
_Ethan… Ethan…_ The name brought him pain and joy at the same time, a double-edged sword. It was dangerous for him, he knows.  
_But it couldn’t hurt to have a little crush, right?_ Though Mark he would be eating his words as he would lay awake in his bed wondering why he isn’t good enough, it was always nice to fall in love with someone… right?  
He always asked these questions to himself every single night, why bother anymore?  
Mark started to space out, as everything felt slow, he couldn’t feel his legs anymore, he felt like he was starring as himself, seeing every flaw he had in his own body. He hated it, he wanted it to stop. But Mark couldn’t.  
All he did was look at himself stare at the endless hallway, he couldn't move, his breathing was panicked as his legs were stuck to the ground. His heart was beating faster than ever before. He couldn't talk. Everything was too much, all he wanted was to stop this mental state.  
Mark snapped, almost jumping as he felt someone’s hands on his shoulder. Glad he was still alive and could move he was back to normal, the colours slowly flooded back in and the busy hallway came into view.  
Mark quickly spun around to be greeted by Tyler, his face unreadable as always. Tyler never has showed any real emotions. He was always an empty canvas.  
“Mark, you Okay?” Tyler asked, raising an eyebrow at him. He was always concerned about others, he never took the time to take care of himself.  
“W-we need to talk…”  
His voice was still as strong, didn’t show any shakiness. He wasn’t scared, but his voice trailed off. This didn’t sound like Tyler at all, what was happening to him? 

Tyler looked down on the ground, his fingers drumming against his palm.  
Humming against throat Mark spoke.  
“What do we need to talk about?” He asked, looking at Tyler who had a tinge of pink in his cheeks, why is he acting this way? Normally Tyler wouldn’t be see-through, now he looks like he just fell in love…  
It took a second for Tyler to take in what Mark just said, which the response with the pink in his cheek disappearing. He looked back to normal as he cleared his throat.  
“What did we need to talk about?” Mark asked, his eye drawn to Tyler.  
“It’s about Ethan, we need to talk about him…”  
Mark’s heart skipped a beat, the name of Ethan made his heart flutter, but not right now. He kept telling himself it was only a crush, _only a crush..._  
“Wh-what’s happening?”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a lot of plans for tyler, hhehhe u peeps better get ready strap yourselves in


	10. All I can do is watch and suffer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, your petty bitch is back. This chapter is like.... all over the place tbh, it has a different tone it tbh. Also I added Tyler's POV for some character development, how they act and stuff. Cause Tyler is the secret hero lets be honest.  
> Comments, kudos and feedback is appreciated

Tyler sighed, keeping his heart from beating any faster. Everything about Mark was… gorgeous as his face looked afraid, it was adorable.  
“Where… is he?” Mark asked worry was clearly written in everything he did. Tyler loved that he was too overprotective of everyone, despite his ego bigger than his head.  
He didn’t exactly know how he… fell in love with him.  
Tyler always pondered with the idea of crushing someone, it was simply idiotic to get worked up with fantasy. He sighed as he choked on the words he said a few years ago.  
He was simply intent on taking care of Mark, saving him as he acted as ‘friends’ with him. It always hurt Tyler to just be around Mark, he can’t go any closer, can’t feel those soft lips against his…  


He shook his head, he shouldn’t be having those thoughts right at this moment. He can grief for Mark later, as he held Mark by the arm forcefully as he dragged him outside the toilets.  
The skin on skin contact made Tyler’s heart flutter, but he simply ignored it as he did with the eyes on his back.  
“Mark he’s in there right now, go get ‘em tiger.” Taunted Tyler, suddenly cringing on what he said he earned a weak smile from Mark.  
“Tyler, you don’t just walk in and… talk to him. Fucking hell Tyler he hates me! So many times I’ve been an asshole to him and-”  
He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Mark simply stood in confusion as his hands were shaking.  
“Mark… I swear he doesn’t hate you, you’re fine. You are a cutie I swear you can seduce anyone with a single look.” Tyler half-heartedly replied, as his cheeks turned a tinge of pink as he realised what came out of his mouth.  
Mark ignored him, as he slowly pushed the door open to look in. He couldn’t see hear or see anyone inside, he looked at Tyler and mouthed something to him. Which he replied to with a simple nod with his lips pursed, holding back unsaid words.  
His eyes traced to Mark’s collarbone, he heart beating faster than that one time he carried Mark in his back while running away from a cranky old man. His lips turned into a curt smile. They were just… friends… no less and no more.  


It hurts to see those soft lips he couldn’t brush over with his thumb. Mark was too good, way too good with how he does everything so perfect…  
Tyler licked his lips as Mark entered, he didn’t need to hear his heart being shattered. He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in his lung, he drummed his fingers on his jeans as he tried to relax.  
Why did he feel so… anxious?  
Tyler felt hollow and empty like someone has punched him inside. The voices in the hallway started to get louder, shouting in his eardrums as his breathing hitched.  
Tyler didn’t need this right now, as he heard cries inside the bathroom.  


Ethan’s POV  


“Ethan… just please talk to me…” Mark cried, letting tiny sobs weave through his words. Ethan locked himself in the cubicle as the pounding on the door whittled down.  
What has gotten into Mark, as Ethan curled himself into a ball. He was longer feeling like he was swept over his feet when he was near Mark, he no longer felt that funny feeling in his stomach when he was nearby. Ethan no longer felt that spark as he looked at him, he can remember his cheek turning into a shade of pink.  
He was no longer in love with him…  
Ethan had gotten rid of the poison people called love, which made people blind and left them as idiots. He never grasps the concept of loving someone. Perhaps it was inexperience? As looked at his fingernails, anger was brewing inside him.  
Ethan was rather stupid to fall in love with… Mark, he clearly saw over his facade, his cute smile and ‘charming personality’ was just to lure girls in.  
“Just hear me out, Ethan… I c-ca-can change, yeah. I ca-can ch-change for y-you Ethan! I-I ca-can learn to be a be-better person, just give me a se-second cha-chance…” Mark trailed off, the eerie silence settling in the cold and dirty bathroom. Ethan could hear the silent cries from Mark. Ethan didn’t feel any empathy from Mark. How could he empathise with a monster like him?  
“How could I give you another chance Mark?” Ethan softly said, keeping his anger under control he let out a shaky breath.  


“You fucking broke me, Mark, you broke me even more over the last couple of years. I hate you, how could I forgive such a monster like you? You made me cry, made me an idiot, made me have sleepless nights. I hate you, I hate you so much I hope someone random chick leaves you as it leads you to a path of self-destruction, I hope everyone realises how much of a fucking monster you are, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. No, you can never make it up, no matter how many times you say pretty lies to me. I will never forgive you.”  
Ethan felt tears fall down his cheek, feeling cold against his skin. His anger in his bloodstreams, slowly spilling into every word that fell out of his silent mouth.  
“No, Ethan I promise-”  
“You made fun of me like everybody else did Mark, ho-how can I forgive you? When you said to many so many times ‘What is a faggot doing here anyway?’” He was surprised he wasn’t shouting, curling his fist into a ball it was starting to get too much for Ethan. He wanted to get rid of these feelings that have been playing with his entire life.  
Mark fell silent, there weren’t any sobs coming from him. No more tears came out of his red eyes.  
The bell suddenly rang, changing the atmosphere Ethan swung the door open, making a creaking sound that filled the room Mark was sitting on the floor, controlling his burst of sobs. Why was he trying to get him anyway?  
Ethan furrowed his eyes at him, opening his mouth he choked back on his words. What was he going to say to him?  
“I-I guess you were too late... Mark Fishbach,” Ethan said, regretting the words that came out of his mouth. He stood there for a second, not looking at anything in particular. What was he supposed to say? Feel?  
It’s like something lifted from his chest, he felt… strangely Okay…  


Quickly leaving the bathroom he swung the door open to the hallway, greeted by Tyler who looked gloomy. Leaning against the wall he was close to the door, maybe he was eavesdropping.  
The way he moved his lips has content, watching him bite his lip it was obvious he was trying to hide his anger that was slipping away. A second later Tyler noticed his presence, his anger in his face suddenly vanishing in mere seconds he made a weak smile at him.  
There was more behind that smile, Ethan’s eyes travelled to his hands, which was shaking. “Hey, Ethan…” Tyler trailed off to look at Ethan’s eyes. Ethan’s lips were tight shut, as words passed through the air around him got colder.  
“Hey, Tyler… I’m-”  
Ethan stopped himself, as he closed his lips shut. What was he supposed to say, the sunlight dwindled, making the hallway darker despite the waning cheap lights.  
“Sorry… I’m a mess…” Ethan finished, then walking away before Tyler could slip a word out of his mouth. His footsteps echoing he didn’t hear Tyler try to stop him. Ignoring the constant eyes from the students and even from the teachers he quickly grabbed his bag and quickened his pace.

\----------------  


The rough spine of the book felt cold against his skin, carefully opening the book Ethan flicked through the pages, careful not to tear or rip any.  
Gripping the cheap pencil Ethan sighed.  


_March 11th, 2018_  


_It’s been a while since I’ve written, over a month now…_  
_It’s really weird, a lot of things have happened in my life. I finally got rid of the poison called love, met new people._  
I’m really glad I don’t have any feelings for Mark that asshole. Tyler is a weird person, I think he’s just there to help Mark? But when I saw him I could feel the anger in his face, as he put on a facade. Does he do that every day?  
_I would know how it would feel._  
_Anyways I didn’t really fully understand what ‘love’ is or a ‘crush.’_  
_My heart has been broken so many times over the past, my trust for people is fading and I hate it._  
_But I think I’m going to be fine, really._  
_After all I’m not blinded by love, it corrupts people, it makes people idiots._  
_I just have to get rid of my emotions and feelings, or change them._  
_I didn’t ask for any of this, I didn’t ask to be emotionally unstable…_  
_I’m sorry…_  
_I’m sorry to everyone I hurt… I’m sorry for myself…_  
_I’m-_  


“Sorry for existing....” Ethan finished, looking at the smudge on his desk.  
It hit all at once as Ethan let out a sob, tears falling down his cheek. His pen trembling in his hand, the late afternoon sun coming in through the window. The broken green jacket didn’t help him with the cold.  
Dropping the books to the ground he let out quiet sobs, not letting anyone hear him. “I’m… sorry…” Ethan said to himself.  
Was forgetting about _him_ a good idea? 

____Mark POV  
“Hey, buddy… it’s Okay.” Tyler said, giving him a grin as he playfully punched him on the shoulder. Mark sighed, scratching the back of his neck. A gentle breeze went by as Mark looked down on the ground.  
“I-it’s just…” He trailed off, Tyler looking at him. Tyler tilted his head, looking at the his lips which were just a straight line. Waiting for him to finish the sentence.  
“What?” Tyler asked, slowing down his pace of walking.  
“I-I don’t know, I really don’t know Tyler.” Mark continued, putting his hands on his pocket. “Why bother?” Tyler asked, making sure he was only curious. Mark stopped walking and took a breath, the birds flying over them as the sun lowered in the distance.  
“I… just want to become a better person,” Mark said, making sure his answer was good enough. He looked at Tyler who was giving him a weak smile, he can see him biting his lower lip. Possibly from biting down unsaid words.  
“I will be there for you, Mark and you know that,” Tyler replied.  
“I know, Tyler. Thanks for that.” Mark said, giving him a smile in return. He felt a funny feeling in his stomach, he was unsure if he is able to talk to Ethan again.  
Keeping his outward posture he started walking, the two fell silent as thoughts ran wild in his mind.  
_Will I be able to?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a lot to take in, but like... tldr  
> -Tyler is gay for Mark, but he can't be with him so he does the best for him by supporting him and helping him  
> -Mark wanted to make up for Ethan  
> -Ethan know doesn't have feelings for him.  
> get it? got it? good, I'll see you wonderful peeps in the next chapter or fic <3


	11. I'm a fool, fool, fool. A fool for my demon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hi hello, really liked how this chapter turned out.  
> THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS SUBJECTS OF RELIGION AND HOMOPHOBIA READ AT YOUR OWN RISK (it is exexaggerated)  
> This chapter is inspired by [isabella fortuna - warm with guilt](https://youtu.be/kwwrueJ0POE?list=PLi62L_eFGVjGAGllzT49LhSgpXuOB7MMp) and [isabella fortuna - a fool for my demon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNTiKRldy9M&list=PLi62L_eFGVjGAGllzT49LhSgpXuOB7MMp&index=14)  
> love her songs, recommend listening to one of these songs while reading, really puts it in the atmosphere in the chapter  
> anyways, kudos, feedback and comments are appreciated. love u all you do you <3

_Guess I just wasn’t good enough for you…_  
Ethan felt the empty feeling in his stomach slowly grow. His throat hoarse and dry, licking his dry lips he stared at the grey book, the spine tickling against his skin. Smoothing the torn page kept within the book.  
Each page, broken or rough. It held the deepest secrets that lied within. He focused on the smudged words, taking his time to decode the words that were him.  
Ethan didn’t even know who he really was. As it hid behind clouds of lies he told to himself.  
_Was it the right idea?_ Thoughts ran circles in his head, as the pages in his book crinkled in by his touch.  
_Was he even good enough for anyone?_  
The demons inside his head told him he wasn’t good enough, everything he touches withers and dies.  
_You don’t deserve anyone_  
“What am I?” Ethan muttered, lifeless. Biting his lower lip as he suppressed a sob. How was he supposed to love if he doesn’t even know himself?  
The door swinging open Ethan threw the book across the room, landing in a pile of clothes as he wiped the tears from his eyes.  
His Mother came into, standing still as she gripped an empty bottle of beer from his Father.  
Her Jeans had a usual black stain on the bottom, a plain white, T-shirt she always wore.  
Ethan didn’t turn his head, as he stared at the floor where the tiny book landed amongst the clutter.

“Hey, Ethan.” His Mother muttered, setting down the empty beer bottle in the hallway. Ethan bit his lower lip, as he turned around. Ignoring the exhaustion visible in her body.  
“Do you, want to go outside with me? We missed the mass on Sunday.” She said, giving Ethan a weak smile.  
Reluctant to move Ethan gave a curt nod, putting on a random jacket over him.  
“How are you, Ethan?” She said, pausing at his name.  
The silent footsteps echoing in the stairs. His Father was intoxicated, muttering swear words as his voice slurred over simple words. It filled him with disgust and anger, as he walked past him.  
“Good,” Ethan said, reluctant as the one lie he told slipped from his mouth.  
“That’s good.” She replied a simple reply that Ethan hasn’t heard from her in weeks.  
The louder swears from the living room caught Ethan’s attention, his Mother walking to the living room.  
He waited near the door, as he heard more voices.  
“Coming honey!” She said, her voice always soft, gentle. Never showed any hint of anger.  
“Didn’t YOU understand t-the sim-simple instruction t-that I t-told YOU!?” He said, his booming voice slowed near the end, as a broken glass smashing.  
Making his heart jump Ethan panicked, the thumping from his heart as he heard a scream.  
Rattling the door knob the door swung open to the outside, feeling the winter bite his skin.  
Feeding himself lies Mark’s name slowly faded out of his mind, only focusing at his Father and how badly he wants him dead.  
Hearing footsteps inside Ethan’s heart rate picked up again, looking at the peeled paint on the blue door. More noises, no voices. Only the rattling sound of the doorknob turning relieved Ethan.  
He looked at her, her lips now in a straight line, a tiny bruise crept up her neck. She was standing stiffer, as she slot the key to lock the door. Not giving a tiny smile to Ethan.  
_It made him bubble with anger._  
He could see the tiny changes on people, including how it was made. As his nails dug into palms, looking at her eyes, soulless.  
“Ethan, are you Okay?” She said, looking at his eyes. Her voice was more… silent, afraid to speak. Something changed her and as it Ethan furious.  
“Yeah… I’m fine.” He said mindlessly, wishing to be at his bed not witnessing all this pain, suffering from people.  
As he felt his Mother’s watchful eyes on him, feeling… uneasy as he set a foot on the gravel path.

Ignoring his fear of going out in public, hating people staring at him… _Watching him… judging him…_  
He could always hear their laugh in his head, the giddy girls, the jocks, everyone. He could hear their laughs, to the tiny details on how they acted. How they spat word, spilling with venom behind his back.  
_Everyone_  
As he felt the wind brush up against his face, as he felt an uncomfortable churning in his stomach. Every breath, every step, everything felt… wrong. Everything told him to get back to the comfort of his own room, missing the smell of old chocolate and the dust dancing in the weak sunlight.  
But that would mean seeing the face of his Father, the reeking smell of alcohol always following him. And that thought alone made Ethan’s blood boil.  
Reluctant to move an inch the distant of his steps grew shorter and shorter, like a child going to the dentist.  
The uneven pavement distracted him from everything outside, Ethan felt out of place.  
Suddenly hearing shouts, chanting. The unrecognised human voices caught his attention, turning his head slightly.  
_Everything outside was out to kill him from the inside_  
As bright, red sings was held by ten people, with the words written in bold black.

_Fuck off with the fags_  
_We don’t want sin in our country_  
_No fags in our churches_

Feeling a pang in his stomach, as Ethan’s feet dragged him through the path. Taking shaky breaths, a lump in his throat slowly grew. Oxygen was starved out of him.  
Eyes poking his back like knives, words dripping with poison and hatred, the atmosphere was made to kill him on the inside.  
Biting the inside of his cheek, an attempt to block out the outside. Even Ethan’s own thoughts was killing him slowly.

_Why would anyone save you? Twisted faggot_  
_Waste of space_  
_Why the fuck do you want another man inside you?_  
_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

Same thoughts repeated, like repetitive, made just for him.  
Lies, hatred. It made him built a facade, a fake version of himself to walk around.  
And the thin facade plastered on his face was breaking.  
“No fags in our country!” Shouted a woman, full of poison, hatred. Building pressure on his shutted, stitched lips. Ready to spill with broken sobs, bleeding lips with unhushed words.  
“No sin!” Another bite, no amount of antidote was going to save him. It was almost said by a demon, breaking his sensitive, broken heart.  
Threatening to open his eyes, dripping with dirty tears, red eyes from crying too much, puffy eyes from sleepless nights, him wondering if he is ever good enough for everyone.  
“They do not deserve to live!”  
The words hung inside his broken and twisted mind, stopping his lips to be pressed into a thin line. His emotionless face slowly turning into a mess.  
The words, no, the demon inside him. The snake winding in his core, making tiny tears in his heart, polluting his mind with hatred thoughts on his mind. Telling him dirty things he never knew before.  
He was such a fool for his demon, letting him possessing him, letting him inside his own thoughts. Even though he could be somewhere else, he let him into his mind.

The facade slowly breaking, as a single drop of tear fell in the dirty ground.  
As it splashed on the ground, he froze. As the whole world saw him, the real him, the broken him. With a single dirty tear, filled with thoughts crafted from his demons, reflecting the weak sunlight.  
Hearing sudden footsteps behind him he quickly put his thin facade back on, fixing his eyes.  
Ethan bit his lip, as the person passed him, not noticing the breaking mask in his face.  
The shouting, the pain, his thoughts. It all came back in a matter of seconds, as he ignored it with his lips pressed into a line.  
“Ethan, hurry up.” Said his Mother, her voice was still gentle, but her tone shifted.  
“Yes, Ma- I meant Mother,” Ethan said, the words reluctant to leave his throat. The sudden name change made her stop, as the silent breeze flew by.  
“Good.” She replied.

As the voices from inside the building reached him, muted by the glass doors. Singing.  
The voices were angelic, smooth. As he open ajar the glass door, suddenly feeling his heart rate pick up. The change in the room was fast, as Ethan felt watchful eyes on him.  
As he looked down on the marble floor, insecurities were creeping up on him.  
_Can they look through his mask of lies?_  
Feeling the cold, dark wood against his skin as he sat down. The inside of his mind screaming to not look anywhere else.  
The room felt unsettling, eerie. Too silent, it made Ethan’s hair stand up.  
His heart pounding, his mind playing tricks on him, thoughts woven by the demon inside him.  
Too much, yet he stood, not moving as the words from the priest fell on deaf ears. Everything was out to get him.  
The bright lights blinded him as he tilted his head up, squinting his eyes as he looked down.  
He felt so out of place, as everyone listened in, leaving him as an outcast, struggling to even go outside, afraid to speak or move. Frozen.  
He didn’t need any more words filled with hatred, with the demon inside him to play with. As sudden words caught his attention, not looking up as he calmed his breathing heart.  
“In today’s society.” The priest said, pausing to look at Ethan, as he felt his heart go hard stone.  
_Like it was intended to be for him_  
“Things are… often portrayed in society to be bad, shouldn’t be done. Like homophobia, discipline.”  
Ethan’s heart stopped at the last few words, the snake’s fangs dripping with venom. Pointing at Ethan’s twisted thoughts and mind.  
“But my fellow brothers and sisters.”  
He stood up, his hands shaking. Everyone was still and silent, but he still felt eyes on him, watching and glaring. _Judging his every move._  
“Just know, that we will not be _ignorant, we will _not__ follow society. Homophobia, is, Okay.”  
Hearing the silent footsteps echo throughout the room, the air getting colder with each breath he took. His brain told him to leave, and so did his demon heart.  
_Everything was playing tricks with him_

__Hard to breathe, hard to speak, hard to take steps, hard to look.  
_Hard to be alive, why be alive if everyone is out to get you?_  
His demon was smiling but he wasn’t, his heart with poison bleeding. As he walked to the bathroom, his mask barely on.  
Hearing the lock click Ethan looked at himself, in the dirty, foggy mirror. Seeing every mistake on his face, every detail, his puffy eyes from crying all night, his lips red from bleeding too much.  
Then Ethan realised how broken he was, as he ached, ached, ached as he looked at himself in the mirror. The demon killing his mind, his heart slowly stopping.  
_Why are you like this?_ Says the demon inside him, as he kept looking at himself. Still, broken. Dry with salt, damp with tears. His eyelashes kiss the floor... but no one kisses his lips…  
Letting out broken, quiet sobs, tiny dirty tears running through his cheek.  
“Why are you like this.” He repeated from his demon, lifeless, afraid. The tone of his voice holding emotions close to him.  
_Cause he was a fool for his demon_

__As the mass finished Ethan rubbed his eyes, his demon loosening his hold on his emotions and thoughts, letting out shaky breaths. Looking at himself in the mirror, splashing water at his face, the water rippling in the sink. The tears were no more.  
The lights flickered above him, as he heard voices outside.  
Fixing his thin mask, making sure nothing leaked out of it, no dirty tears, no quiet sobs.  
Slowing his breathing as he swung the door open, looking around as people still looked at him in the corner of his eyes. Their eyes filled with poison.  
“Ethan.” He heard a voice, outside, gentle. Following the voice he was greeted by his Mother, corner of her lips hid something.  
“Are you gay? She said, her voice mundane. Her voice dripping with poison, her face looking at his lips, waiting for a reply.  
“No Mother,” Ethan said, painful as the words stabbed him in his wrapped up heart. The wind swept the leaves, twirling in the winter air.  
_Everyone was out to poison his heart, and kill his already twisted mind._  
He wanted to disappear at that moment, the earth to swallow him open. To be anywhere but here, as he felt a pang in his stomach.  
And it was eating him inside, as he stared at his Mother. Looking normal, like nothing happened. Nothing just happened to put him out in the open, for everyone to hear those exact words.  
_It hurt for some reason_  
“Good.” She muttered, putting her lips in a thin line. No emotion, nothing was seen. Numb.

_~~~~_

__Muttering something under his breath, his eyes growing heavier with every minute. Exhaustion was wearing down his every step, every move as he tried to get somewhere, anywhere.  
Anywhere is better than nowhere.  
That is what his Mother told him, always when he was a child. With fairy tales and stories.  
_He was such an idiot to believe in childish dreams_ Mark bit his cheeks, as he made another decision that killed him, too tired to change with a messy mind and broken thoughts.  
As he trudged through the broken glass and a trail of liquid.  
Not caring anymore, as no thoughts came into his mind. He made his way to his fake friends, the ones that broke him yet was the only thing that gave him… something.  
_His own insanity and his demon was controlling him, no life was left on his mind or heart_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really happy on how this would turn out, idk if you peeps liked it I had fun writing and was in the mood for some a n g s t


	12. You're my cherry cola... you're keeping me sober...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey im back.... hahaah  
> didn't really like how this turned out, i just wanted something out. And make more of my time by writing, its on mark's pov with a bit of tyler. I can feel the plot ramping up.  
> kudos, comments and feedback is appreciated ;w;

As he bit his tongue in an attempt to stop himself from walking further into self-destruction, his nails digging into his palm. Mark could turn back, never to see his friends, turn away from all the fake laughs, broken hearts and fake identities. He could leave, at this moment to stop himself. But he couldn’t, as his eyes travelled to the dingy alleyway. As drunk laughter and jokes burrowed into his eardrums.

_He could leave, and change himself, forever_

It was addicting, all the pain and regret with restless nights thinking about _him_. When did his feelings bloom? Mark didn’t ask for his thoughts thinking about _him_ , he didn’t ask for the pain that wreak havoc in his path, during that one day his heart broke and the demon inside him killed his very core. Why _him?_ Why did he have to feel this way?  
The scent of alcohol, strong lead him in. The regrettable decisions and cheap liquor, and the headaches after regrets hung in the air. Everyone was… intoxicated. Drunken laughter, strangers dancing near the end. As the sun set low amongst the horizon, painting strikes of yellow and orange. Chilly air sent chills down his spine, but it didn’t do enough to pull himself away from the decision he would not remember making after. Tyler was there as usual, not drinking as he leaned against the wall. Lifting his eyebrow at Mark, not looking away from his phone.

“Jesus Christ Mark, again?” Tyler muttered, he knew he was looking out for him. But he needed to forget about _him_. One way or another.  
The words rolled around his tongue, as he looked at the corner of his eye to see a guy with a tank top almost trip himself.  
“I-I just need something to forget about a lot of stuff, why are you here anyways?” Mark replied.  
“I seen the fucked up shit you’ve do Mark, when you’re drunk. Like the last time…” Tyler trailed off to meet Mark’s glance, as Mark stared back at him. Quickly looking at the other direction Tyler felt a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.  
“Don’t tell me-”  
“Tyler it-it’s none of your business, it’s not about _him_.”  
Mark felt a hand on his shoulder, not looking behind him he can tell it was one the usual strangers that visit them often. The smell of cigarettes and alcohol burned his throat, as he felt uncomfortable with the random stranger behind his back. Tyler grabbed the spare cheap can of beer on the cracked pavement, throwing a stare at Mark. The stranger giggled and tightly gripped his shoulder, then quickly letting go.  
“Knock yourself out, don’t make out with a random girl and call her _Ethan_ though like last time.” Tyler joked, the smile growing on his lips, as he threw the can to him, Mark barely catching it. He felt his cheeks flush as he cracked the can open, freezing in his hands as he gripped it tightly. “Sorry…” Mark trailed off, meeting Tyler’s eyes. He laughed as he gripped Mark’s shoulder, feeling rather intimate.  
“Don’t be.” Tyler replied, inching himself closer to Mark, as he pulled him to a hug. It was too intimate, again. As Mark rested his head near Tyler’s chest, feeling it slowly rise and fall. And he hated himself as he grinned at himself. Quickly pulling out of the hug Tyler returned to his phone, his ears red. Still leaning to the wall, as Mark was left on his own.

The beer that god knows where came from burned his throat, usually filled with words waiting to be released at a lonely night to himself. He was getting lost in the moment, bright lights, grey skies, fun…  
Rubbing his face with his hands, biting his lips for no reason. He has no secrets to keep hidden in his insane mind, where his demon lived. Mark craved something more. Something that would temporarily fix his breaking heart. If it’s only for a little while, only a moment. Everyone was having too much fun, at the corner of his eyes his _friends_ started to pop pills, dry swallowing them with the casual cheers. He was too far in, his mind clouded, as he quickly chugged his cheap can. Staring at the tiny group that they formed, in a circle as they waited for their saviour in a tiny bottle. Something about he saw… was fun. People were forgetting, killing themselves slowly by popping pills. Everything he did was addicting, thinking about Ethan was addicting, drinking was addicting, slowly wasting his life was addicting, being a waste of space while falling in love was addicting. And yet... he didn’t care enough, he wouldn’t be surprised if no one cared enough. He felt Tyler’s eyes on his back, watching him, carefully.  
“Mark.” He said, louder this time. It made him stop dead in his tracks, a couple feet away from regrets and pain, as the cool breeze flew by. Worry visible in his tone, he imagined him biting down hard on his dry lips.  
“I need this, sorry Tyler-” Suddenly feeling a hand tightly grip his arm. Looking back to see Tyler, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at him.  
“Just think for a goddamn second for once, to yourself, look at yourself. Don’t destroy yourself _please_ , you’re not the only one who’s hurting...”  
He let go of Mark’s arm, the spot bright red from the strong grip. He stared at Mark’s eyes, his ears red.  
“Just leave me alone.” Mark muttered, looking to his right. The other people didn’t pay attention to the conversation that was happening. “Let me forget about Ethan, just for a few hours. Let me regret every action, every step and every word I say in this moment. _Please_.”  
“You are ruining yourself, Mark just let go.” Tyler raised his voice, curling his hands into a fist. Veins showing.  
“Why do you care? Why do you act like you care? Just leave me alone-”  
“Because I love you!”

They both grew silent. Tyler’s cheeks growing red. Looking down on the ground as tears dripped down to the ground, quiet sobs escaped his stitched lips. Only the sounds of the quiet sobs, incoming traffic and broken laughter filled the void of silence. It took a moment to take in the moment, as words hung around his throat. Biting his lower lip he waited for anything to happen.

“I don’t know it happened, when this happened. I didn’t ask for this, and it broke me even more when you fell for Ethan. So I-I did my best to help you, to give you everything that you wanted while my heart slowly broke open. I’m scared-”  
Mark didn’t know who made the first move, maybe it was him? His every move was cloudy, intoxicated. He threw his arms around Tyler’s neck and roughly kissed him. The very moment they kissed, it felt so wrong. Yet so right....  
It was his own body that decided to move, as the intoxicated kisses erased the memories of Ethan. Every single cell in his body told him to stop, but he was far too in the moment and fallen deep enough. As he trailed kisses along Tyler’s jaw, earning a satisfied strangled moan. Losing his mind, losing himself. The thought of Ethan vanished in his mind, only wet kisses and alcohol was the only thing in his mind. Swimming in regrets as he lost the ability to care, all he wanted was to escape his mind and lose himself with cheap alcohol.

Tyler quickly stopped himself, pulling away from the wet kisses. Tears threatening to stream down his cheeks, biting his lower lip words stuttered in his mouth.  
“S-sorry, I-I can’t do this.” Tyler managed to say, as the voices behind them stopped. Time seemed to slow that very moment, as he heard both of their hearts crack open.  
“Tyler, please…”  
“Mark, this isn’t right. I shouldn’t be doing this-”  
“Ethan, is gone Tyler, gone from my mind.” Mark replied, surprising himself with the calmness in his voice. Tears swelled up in his eyes, as his stitched lips built up galaxies and storms wrapped up in words. It would hurt both of them if it spilled out.  
“I don’t care anymore, just please. Let me get lost in my mind…” Mark trailed off, the atmosphere tense. No one dared to speak a word, only the sounds of cars was heard.  
“This isn’t right, get a hold of yourself Mark Fischbach.” The words pierced his heart, his lips bleeding as he bit down his dry lips. The only person he trusted left him, leaving him with his own thoughts. If anyone would be able to see inside his mind they would be in tears.

“Don’t leave… me, please.”

But it was too late, as he soft thuds of Tyler’s footsteps filled his ears. Collapsing to the ground streams of tears fell to the ground. Each one filled with dark thoughts, regrets, sadness. No one in his life cared enough to save him, as the last one walked out. Leaving him in his own dark room. Tiny rain droplets dripped down his cheeks, his hair a wet, dripping mess. The unsettling silence comforted his bitter sadness, as self deprecating thoughts poisoned his mind. Covering his face with his hands, his rough palms against his wet face. Maybe it was Mark sober and drunk that cause him this, maybe it was his selfishness that caused him to drive away Tyler. His mind intoxicated with thoughts, as the silent pitter patter filled the silence.

“He’s gay…” Judgemental people isn’t his cup of tea, he could feel their tone of voice. Intoxicated and high, tired but energetic. Eyes stabbing his back, tears flowing, mixing with the rain droplets. Falling apart in public, teary eyes. Memories of Ethan flowed to his mind, as he bit his lips to stop tears falling. Not caring as it slowly bled, quiet sobs escaped his poisoned lungs. Regrets filled his mind, wondering how he went wrong. The very first step he took was all it took, to make him a crying mess.

~~~

He needed him, he wanted to kiss away all the pain. Never let go, get intoxicated by the wet and sloppy kisses. Tyler was so close, yet it was so far away. It felt wrong, as his heart fluttered with Mark’s warm body pressed up against his, the smell of alcohol and regrets. It lured him in, letting him taste Mark. But after all this time, his mind was still on Ethan. Tyler didn’t feel any regret, or jealousy as he walked away, the quiet sounds of the rain hitting his jacket calmed him down. Teary eyes, lazy steps, too tired to exist. It took everything in his body to stop himself from making a decision that Mark would regret for his entire life. It was…. tempting to go back and kiss his fears away. But his legs carries him hope, as he felt eyes on his back. People giving him weird looks, as he put a hood over his head. His hands tucked away in his pockets. The constant sounds of traffic kept him from his tears spilling down to his cheeks, as he bit the inside of his cheeks. He was still missing Mark, his lips against his made his cheeks heat up. But Mark was just hurt, drunk.  
“Despite everything it’s still you.” Tyler muttered under his breath, his breathing slow and calm. The tone in his voice was hurting, as he bit back a sob.

He was never going to be Ethan  
He was never going to be him  
Mark would never love him

But he smiled, it was only love. Nothing new, nothing painful. All he needed to do was help Mark, despite the void growing behind every word he said to get Ethan to him. Everyone around him was changing, moving on. As he stayed at the exact spot for the last four years, falling for Mark.

_It was just a simple crush, no more, no less_

He felt a smile tug at his lips, looking down at the cracked cement. He was so wrong about everything he thought. As Tyler took the time to remind himself that Mark won’t love him, not now and not ever. He was for Ethan, it would hurt. But it will hurt.

_Everything is changing, everything is changing about you…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cause who doesn't like love triangles? honestly good on tyler for walking away from the k i s s x d d


	13. Fragile Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hewwo, its your boi. IM here  
> NOt really liking this one, i just wanted to get something out tbh, a lot of stuff went down and I lost my touch at writing. Tried to quickly get back into it, sorry if the quality is shit :P  
> Kudos, comments and feedback is appreciated <3

“What the fuck did you say to me?” His Father bellowed, as Ethan’s Mother backed a few steps away from the drunk man. Ethan crouched near the stairs, as he had having a clear view of the mess in the living room. He placed a hand over his mouth, slowing down his erratic breathing.

_This can’t be real_

Yet it is, as the stars and darkness slowly filled the sky outside. Moonlight slowly trickled through the open window. As Ethan watched madness slowly unfold, his heart breaking at the seams.

_This is his life…_

“Get out of my house!”  
“I fucking own you, woman!”  
Ethan stood up, wanting to be anywhere rather than this breaking house. The stench of alcohol and vomit was starting to get unbearable, as he felt the cold wooden floor against his bare feet. Locking the door behind him Ethan sat on the floor, leaning against the door. He could hear the sound of glass being broken into pieces, another scream. Ethan hugged himself into a ball, as he felt a pang in his chest. He wanted out, to be out in the cold outside. His heart dropped as silence fell throughout the house.

He found no tears in his cheeks, as he rubbed his puffy eyes from staying up. Wandering when he would truly find himself. The floorboards creaked beneath his feet, as he chewed his lips again. Something felt off, as the air around him send chills down his spine. Slowly opening the window the twilight moonlight shining. Ethan felt something that urged him to the spot that held memories, as he carefully made his way on top of the rooftop. The window occasionally swinging. The wind too dangerous to him, but Ethan didn’t care. As he finds the closest level to the ground, not looking back he landed with a thud. His heart beating out of his chest, something was luring him in the ruined playground. His feet moving on its own he made his way to the footpath.

Mistakes, regrets was always what he was good at. Missed opportunity passed by, falling in love…  
Mark, what was his heart telling him? As he remembered his actions changing, from asshole to nice. And the moment in the bathroom. The thin jacket didn’t protect him from the cold, as the yellow glow from the streetlight did nothing. His heart lost, Ethan lost himself. Wondering where and when he would be found. Thoughts ran in his head, as he knit his eyebrows. Why was this happening?  
As he muttered something underneath his breath, his pace began to slow down, words clogged his throat which he didn’t dare to speak, it was filled with poison. Hurting other people even himself, as the demon in his very core gripped his heart tighter. Tears threatening to spill over, as his lips quivered. Waiting to spill with unhushed words and silent sobs.

_But he doesn’t_

Licking his dry lips, he looked far ahead. The moonlight was beginning to wane, the streetlights flickering above him. Wiping his eyes with his sleeves, making sure he doesn’t spill any tears from his eyes. His heart feeling empty, each step was slower than the each one. His stomach feeling empty, legs shaking. He falls over and collapses, Ethan’s body shivered.

“Shit.” Ethan muttered, with no life. Only hearing a sudden voice a few meters away, a silhouette of someone. His vision blurry, as his eyelids grew heavier with each second. Head swimming, the sounds of the footsteps muted.  
“Ethan!” Was the last thing he heard, before passing out in the cold.

~~~~

His eyelids slowly opened, as the waning stars came into view. His stomach still feeling empty, his head aching. Ethan slowly stood up, the bitter cold hitting his face. Looking at his surroundings the desolate playground came into view. A creaking chain and the silent chirps of the crickets reached his ears. “Ethan…” Someone muttered, a familiar voice. Ethan looked to his left to see Mark crouching at his side. Reaching out to touch his face, Ethan reacted by moving away.  
“Don’t touch me.” Ethan muttered, feeling the leaves crunch beneath his body. As his hands grew cold, touching his cheek. Expecting something on his face, but found nothing.  
“What happened? W-what did you do?” He quickly said, forcing air out of his lungs. Breathing quickly his beating heart and aching chest brang pain.  
“Ethan. I didn’t do anything. Please let me help you up.” Mark said, as he grabbed Ethan’s hand, with an instant response by Ethan taking his hand away.  
“Mark, don-don’t touch me.” Ethan winced.

He sat on the ground with Ethan, the trees swaying with the wind. As Mark looked at him, too afraid to touch him. Like he might break at a single touch. Watching him fall apart Ethan looked at the ground, dirty tears falling down his cheeks. Quiet sobs escaped his silenced lips, waiting for more.

“Ethan.” Mark said again, his tone gentle. As he rubbed him in his back, whispering pretty words into his ears. Which put him into ease, as less tears fell. And the sobs became more distant.  
“Why did you come to save me?” He muttered, as he kept staring at the ground. Refusing to look anywhere else. Mark stuttered at the answer, as he stared at the wilting flower.  
“Tell me why, why did you save me? A broken human, beyond repair.”  
“Ethan, calm down.” Mark scoffed.  
“Tell me why you didn’t fucking leave me to rot in the cold, tell me why my feelings is mixed, tell me why you cared enough to save me, tell me why I’m breaking apart at the seams, tell me how you live. Tell me pretty lies, a-and looks m-me in face. Tell me that y-you l-love me e-even though it’s fake…”  
Sudden tears spilled out of Ethan, each one containing his but no sobs came. As he watched it fall to the ground, with the quiet sound of his tears hitting the leaves. He kept staring at the ground, lifeless…  
“Ethan, you’re joking right?” Mark said, laughing. Confused and scared to speak, with one wrong move could break him even more.  
“Yeah…” He muttered, as the tears kept spilling out of him. The atmosphere tense as Mark didn’t know what to do with the Ethan breaking beside him. Ethan laughed, no effort into it as it was forced out of his lungs. Biting his dry lips, the air seemed to get colder with each second. Mark grabbed one of Ethan’s hand, ice cold against his skin. As he rubbed circles on Ethan’s palm, humming loud enough for Ethan to hear. He didn’t turn his head, as he kept staring into the ground. Afraid to move an inch.  
“Keep doing that, it feels nice.” Ethan muttered, sniffing.  
“One lonely night, sparking up a flame.” Mark sung, his voice sounding like soft and gentle to his ears. As his surroundings were quiet, with the only sound of Mark. Slowly singing as he shifted himself closer to Ethan, rubbing circles on his rough palm, wet from his dirty tears.  
“You lit up a cigarette, as you lit up something inside me. One lonely night…” He trailed off to look at Ethan, sudden tiny droplets of rain fell, as the sound of rain hitting the slide in the distance made Ethan smile, just a little bit. The tears began to slow down.

_One lonely night, as your grey clouds clouded my eyes._ Mark was looking at the sky, tiny droplets hitting his face. His messy hair slowly getting wet, not bothering to fix it as he looked at Ethan again. Still holding his hand, drawing tiny circles to calm him down.

_One lonely night, can you help me breathe?_ Mark wanted more, to feel Ethan near his body. Hugging him tightly as he twirled his hair around his finger, whipersing pretty words into his ear.

_One lonely night, why am I falling for you?_ Knowing he wasn’t good for him, where society saw this love as forbidden. It was tempting, as it made him change _just for him_. Wanting him closer he let him rest his head onto his shoulder, the smell of Ethan being old clothes and microwaved food. But it was perfect…

_One lonely night, everything’s changing about you_. For the past weeks he learned about himself, as he stared into Ethan and learnt the deep abyss inside himself and Ethan. As he watched the rain go by, the sound of the swing filling the silence.  
_One lonely night, love poisoned me still_. His throat hoarse, lips dry. He could feel Ethan’s slow heartbeat, as they sat at the ground. Leaves crunching beneath their body, the nearby street lights barely working, flickering at the yellow glow disappeared from time.

_One lonely night, we got drunk_. Mark looked at Ethan, who had his hood on. He could feel his heart beating faster, as he swallowed it and took a breath. Calming himself down as he realised he was touching Ethan. Only if he could touch his lips…

_One lonely boy, I loved you_. Mark could hear slow, shaky breaths. Was he crying? He put a hand around him, as he took off Ethan’s hood and looked at him. He was still crying, dirty tears fell out of his used to be hollow eyes. The outlook on life now changed, slowly spilling colour and patterns. He could see the murky puddle a few meters away from them, the yellow glow from the dying streetlights. Ethan felt alive…

_One lonely night, kiss me tonight…_

The ghostly words leaving the tip of his lips, the rain slowly getting heavier with each second. The sound of rain hitting metal filled the lonely silence, as thoughts went through Ethan’s mind like bullets. Why was this happening?  
Opening his mouth to speak words got caught in his silenced throat, closing his mouth the ghostly words left his thought. Enjoying the moment as he leaned into Mark, staring into the abyss. Unaware of the future and the consequences of this moment, he could feel Mark humming. A quiet tune he would never get over, it was strangely domestic…

“Why did you pick me?” Ethan muttered, instantly regretting the words escaping his mouth. He chewed on his lower lip, waiting for an answer.  
“What do you mean?” Mark replied, he looked at Ethan. As he waited for answer. Ethan stared into nowhere, watching colour and ink slowly bleed into his life. The dark sky giving him a sense of calm, a tiny comet flew across the night sky, leaving behind a dust of trail, only a smidge in amidst the abyss. Twinkling, remote stars barely lit up the night sky, thousands of light years away from this lonely planet he lives in.

“Why did you think of me of someone worth to be saving?” Ethan muttered, looking at Mark. Eyes holding back tears, his voice getting softer which each sentence he muttered out of his lips.  
“I’m not perfect, I’m not-”  
Ethan was interrupted by his lips against Mark’s, it was soft. The taste of cheap alcohol still lingering on Mark’s lips. He could feel his heart fluttering, his stomach feeling funny. The poison called love seeping into his beating heart, it was warm and comforting. Ethan’s eyelids closed, relishing the moment. Losing himself to the touch, love…  
Mark pulled away, looking deep into Ethan’s eyes. Seeing all the colours and patterns in his eye, looking like a sunrise, the deep fears he had.

“I want all of you, all of your flaws and scars. Your mistakes and imperfections, your mood swings. Your dirty tears, each containing all your dirty little fears and secrets. I want you and only you…”  
Mark took Ethan’s hand, Ethan’s hand feeling cold against Mark’s warm hands. Relishing the moment Ethan’s eyes filled with tears, as a single tear rolled down his cheek. He was smiling for the first time in years. Feeling the poison called love seep into his mind, as he felt his cheeks heat up. This was the feeling Ethan was craving for.  
“I’m too afraid to fall in love-”  
“Then I’ll help you, I’ll help you how to live. I’ll never lie to you, or hurt you or leave you. You’re the thing that keeps my heart beating, and I know this sounds cliché but I…”  
Mark trailed off, gently brushing Ethan’s cheek with the back of his hand. Wiping away all the fears he had in his eyes, as he smiled.

“I love you…”

Time seemed to slow down, staring deep into Mark’s chocolate eyes. Was he lying?  
Was Mark going to be just another person to lie to his face, leaving to himself to saw his heart back in his hands. Was he going to leave him in the dark?  
Ethan was done being lost, as a gust of wind messed up his hair even more. Emotions and thoughts running through him, it was too much. But it felt right at the same time. He could still feel the ghostly touch of Mark’s lips against his, as he chewed his lower lip.

The demon inside his very core kept whispering dirty lies into his ears, but he could barely hear his demon. Too caught in the moment he watched Mark slowly cry, waiting for him to answer. A single respond to come out of his lips, stitches gone. Free to release dirty secrets, words that he kept to himself. His heart beating inside his ribcage. Ethan knew it wasn’t right, but it was so tempting to feel at ease.

“I…”

Ethan stuttered, as he felt Mark’s warm hands hold his. Sudden doubts broke his mind, killing him like bullets. The demon inside his fragile heart got louder, as he couldn’t make out the words. Emotions trapped once again, feelings hidden deep inside once again. Warm with his own guilt his beating heart calmed down. Ethan could hear people’s voices in his mind, muttering dirty words into his ears. The tears turned dirty once again, the warm feeling inside him vanished. Being replaced with nothingness, dread, guilt and sadness. It hurts to breathe, the poison in his very bloodstreams killed him once again. Leaving him dead and foolish, to be hurt again. This was his fault.  
“Don’t love you anymore… sorry…”  
Feeling the lie leave his lips just to stop his doubts, the air in Mark left him. As Ethan’s mind left him insane once again, slowly pushing anyone away. All because of his doubts…

_The broken hearts club_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is the first part of the series 'poisonous love' done. I'm doing this because I'm not really liking how the fic is going, since I just let the plot fluid where I fill in the gaps. I need a fresh view on this fic so i can plan the plot ahead and maybe stick to it  
> there is so much more i want to add to this fic, stay comfy imma go and brainstorm some ideas :P just wait for me lol


End file.
